you might be a redneck if...

You might be a redneck if you buy your 4 year old son a hunting rifle for Christmas.

santa clause is coming....

here's your sign...

Friendly Holiday Advice

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

i see said the blind man

I was just thinking, how does a blind man know when he's done wiping his ass?

you think he's a redneck???

MAN FOUND NAKED IN CEMETERY

PICAYUNE, Miss. (AP) _ A man caught naked in a south Mississippi church cemetery says he was trying to take photographs of spirits.

Robert Hurst tells The Picayune Item newspaper that he shed his clothes because he believes skin is the best canvas to show spirits' orbs of energy.

The 47-year-old says he only intended to remove his shirt, but he took off all his clothes, a move he now calls ``stupid.''

Authorities had set up a motion-activated camera to try to catch vandals.

Shane Tucker, the chief deputy in Pearl River County, says Hurst is not accused of vandalism, but the camera caught an unexpected image of Hurst naked.

Hurst faces a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure.

He posted a $500 bond after turning himself in Friday.
(Copyright 2010 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

Dumb ass might fit better than redneck.

Redneck Beer Review 12-10 (guest hosted by Bart)

"It's the worst beer I've ever drank,

 you can find it at Walgreens,

 if you can't find it, I'll bring you 2 or 4 cans."

That's the quote that was sent with the picture. I think if you're shopping for beer at Walgreens, you're qualified to do the Redneck Beer Review. Thanks Bart.

i'm just the painter.......

So, I was working at someone elses house, painting the bathroom. Actually, I'd redone the whole bath and all I lacked was the painting. I was there by myself, trying to get done.

I hear someone knocking on the door. I don't give a rat's ass who it is, aint nobody I want to see, aint my house, let'em knock and I'll keep painting. Well, they don't stop knocking, just keep on knocking. I finally go to the door, paint brush in one hand, a gallon of paint in the other and paint up to my elbows, and yea, a little pissed off at who ever this is knocking on the door and interrupting my getting done.

I open the door and it's some kid delivering a box of oranges. He asks "Are you Mr. Birch?"

I say "Nope, I'm the painter." I didn't care to tell him anything else, I figure if he's got good sense, he'll ask if it's OK to leave the box and get out of my way. For some reason, my statement of "Nope, I'm the painter." threw him for a loop and he just stood there staring at me.

After what seemed like a long time, he finally asked "Do you know the Birches?"

I couldn't help myself, before I had a chance to think about what I was going to say, I said "No, I don't know them, I was just walking by with this paint and a brush, this was the first house I came to that wasn't locked, so I started painting but you can leave the oranges on the steps." And I closed the door and went back to my painting.

my dog is normal....

I thought Susie (my Jack Russell)  was crazy, turns out she's just a normal dog. This is from another blog(dogster blog).

normal dogs bite


normal dogs have no standards as to appropriate elimination sites with the exception of “where I sleep is out of bounds”

normal dogs do not come when called if something more interesting is going on

normal dogs default to responding to new stimuli in their environment fearfully. Fear is a survival adaptation and keeps a dog safe.

normal dogs chew, dissect, and destroy things

normal dogs resource guard

normal dogs bark and growl

normal dogs dig holes

normal dogs hump legs

normal dogs vocalize when left alone

normal dogs chase squirrels, deer, and cats

normal dogs kill small animals

normal dogs pull on the leash

normal dogs often like to run around as fast as they can, even if they knock over small children or grandma in the process

normal dogs lift their legs and pee on trees, even when we bring those trees into our houses and put lights and ornaments all over them

normal dogs like to sniff EVERYTHING – crotches (human and canine), fire hydrants, trees, bushes, gopher holes

normal dogs eat poop

normal dogs tear up the garbage, counter surf, and eat expensive panties or heels

normal dogs roll in poop and dead things

normal dogs do not like every dog they meet

normal dogs do not want to be hugged, kissed, touched, or stared at by every person they meet in every situation

normal dogs don’t like having their nails trimmed, mats removed from their coat, or grooming

normal dogs don’t naturally love being crated

normal dogs don’t naturally love wearing sweaters, being carried in purses or strollers, or wearing booties

She's done all that and then some. Check out the blog it's from, it's pretty good. http://blogs.dogster.com/dog-training/the-myth-of-normal-dogs/2010/11/

fun things to do at the mall....

You may find your self in the mall more than you'd like to be over the next few weeks. Here's something to do to pass the time while waiting on your wife:

1. Buy a cheap combination lock. If you are near a Dollar Tree, pick up 6 or 8, that should be enough for a days worth of entertainment. If you can't find the cheap ones, get 1 to start with and see how it goes.

2. Unlock the lock and find a bench to sit on, preferably one with a view of a lot of people walking by.

3. This step may take a while so be patient. Look for some dude to come by with those tunnel earrings, you know, the big ass whole in the ear lobe with a loop in it. Probably better to make sure he is alone, you'll see why in a minute.

4. Now, when this dude gets in just the right spot, run up behind him and slap that lock in his ear and quickly lock it. You may need to practice this step, it's very important to insert the lock and lock it in one quick motion.

5. RUN. As long as he's alone and you get the lock locked, you won't have any one chase you. As soon as you think it's clear, duck into a store and watch from the window.



you might have a redneck thanksgiving if....

You might be a redneck if the conversation at the Thanksgiving dinner involves the phrase "Pass the Jack, please."

morning

Redneck Beerstore Review 11/10

Ever heard of Arab, Alabama? They should be famous for the beer store. It's like the Wal-Mart of beer stores. You need a shopping cart. The Beverage Warehouse, check it out if you're ever near Arab...

link to their site

time for a change...

credit goes to "click here"

joke of the day

why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers?

'cause they can wash their crack and sell it again.......

lol

Redneck Beer Review 11-2010

Cold beer, fried pickles, slaw and hush puppies. Could it get any better? I'm waiting on a catfish plate but don't really care if it gets hear or not.

Had your hip replaced since 2004?

I just heard that Depuy (some medical supply company) is recalling nearly 100,000 artificial hips made since 2004.
That's gotta suck.....

All said & done.....

After it's all said and done, I bet there was a lot more said than done.

Jackpot

I think I'll buy a round for the house, as long as I'm the only one home.

what do you get.....

what happens if.....

What happens if you drop your brand stinking new Android based, touch screen phone down a set of metal stairs onto a concrete floor?

Not pretty, huh?

I never had cell phone insurance, the 10 years I've had a cell phone, I never needed it. I figured at $4.99 a month, it was a load of crap anyhow. The day after I dropped my phone, I got a call from AT&T saying that my 30 day trial period was about to run out on my new phone and that I should sign up if I wanted to keep the insurance. I thought "Cool, I'll get these guys." I figured a $50 deductable and I'd get it fixed.

The deductable for a touch-screen phone is $125, it only cost about $75 parts and labor to fix the phone.

So yes, cell phone insurance is a load of crap, it's just a way for the cell phone company to get a little more money outta you.

Red or Black

I was just thinking, if you're working on the wiring in your home, the black wire is hot. If you're working on your car, the black wire is ground.

What bright ass dude decided that??? Wouldn't it have made more sence for them both to be the same. I smell some of the same thinking that got us "i before e except" crap.

dang pumpkins....

useful dog tricks

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

screws.....

I was just thinking, why do I have skint knuckles right now??? If I wasn't trying to remove a stupid slotted screw, I wouldn't. Why is there a flat-head screw even in this thing I'm working on. It was just built last year.

Phillips head screws were invented sometime before 1940 by a fairly cool dude named Henry Phillips. As far as I'm concerned, he's a genius, should'a died a multi-millionaire. It works about a thousand times better than a flat-head screw so why do we still have flat heads around. Let's see, by about 1950, everybody should have heard about a phillips screw, by 1960 everybody should have a phillips screw driver, give it about 20 years to do away with all the slotted screws and that's 1980. So why am I still farting around with ragged ass flat head screws?

Everybody get with the program, if it's new and improved, GO WITH IT! We don't need the old crap and the new crap. Better is better, move on to 1990. You don't have to throw away you're old screw driver, it's still good for opening paint cans and using as a chisel, just when you need a screw, get a phillips. Go ahead, change the world for the better....

Redneck Beer Review, Orlando, FL

Good cold beer but at $5.25 each, kinda hard to enjoy. In Orlando, I'd for sure say BYOB.

FYI.    Skip Universal Studios, it aint worth the time.

It's worse than i thought....

And I thought I was just hung over.....

did you know...

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.


4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

4 Worms in church

4 Worms in church

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

this is old but still good....

opie and the spoiled kid

i was just thinking, this episode of Andy Griffith should be required watching for all kids starting at about age 3 through..... well maybe 17 or 18. i think it's the 50th anniversary of the show or something, anyway it's a classic.

you gotta remember "poor little Horatio, the half a boy".

41 mpg

found somewhere on the internet.....

Redneck beer review, sometime later

Last new thing and back to the Busch Light. This stuff is fruity but good. It's Mike's Classic Margarita Peach, if you can't read the label.

FYI, I didn't leave no bottles on the beach, picked up mine and some stuff some other dip-weed left.

Redneck beer review. 30 minutes later

Ok, 2 different things in one day. Kinda tart, like key lime pie in a bottle.

Redneck Beer Review 9/24/10

Had to try something new. Good lemonade with a kick.

Fun things to do on the beach.....

Take a bag of cheetoes and start feeding the seagulls. After you get about a thousand gulls following you, go up to a little kid, throw about half the cheetoes in the air and hand the bag to the little kid. Then run before the kid realizes the gulls want the bag.

If you plan it right, you can be back in your chair before the birds attack the kid and the sceaming begins. Just make sure the parents are laid out relaxing so they can't figure out exactly what happened.

Sorry but I wasn't fast enough to get a picture and I think her brother was on to me.

the gene pool

I was just thinking, as I was trying to eat my lunch while two snot nosed kids jumped up and down on the booth behind me, it sure would have been nice if someone had chlorinated the gene pool.....

r u bored?

I was just thinking, if you're like me and don't have kids, here's something fun to do when you're bored.

Hire a babysitter. Tell them that the kid is asleep and you'll be back later. When you come back, ask "Where the hell is my kid?"

Capitalization

I had my say about what I thought about english and spelling but I think I'll leave capitalization alone....

english sux

stress

I was just thinking, everybody is always whining about stress. My job is stressful. Too much stress at home. Driving to work is stressful.     Well, I think they're full of horse s**t!

Here's a list I found on the Internet of what somebody thinks are the most stressful jobs:
1. President
2. Firefighter
3. Senior corporate executive.
4. Race car driver
5. Taxi Driver
6. Surgeon
7. astronaut
8. Police officer
9. Pro football player
10. Air Traffic Controller


Let's look at each one:
1. President     I think this is a job you gotta want to have, you don't just put in a general application at the employment office and this is the only job you hear back from. Plus you have to spend about a billion dollars to get elected, I kinda think you know what you're getting into before hand so get over it. Then the job only last for four years but the salary is for lifetime, don't that make it a little better?
2. Firefighter     Yea, this one is stressful but not for the redneck volunteers that just want to chase the fire truck and think the flashing red light in their pick-up will help them pick up chicks.
3. Senior corporate executive   No, not stressful. There's always someone below you to blame things on unless you get in too deep and then it's your own fault.
4. Race car driver     I think car racing is a sport, right? You wreck your car, who gets hurt? You or some other race car driver. I think everybody knows that's part of it. If it's too much for you, take up taxi driving.
5. Taxi driver    It's your job to drive around in traffic. What's the problem?
6. Surgeon    OK, that's stressful. Unless your some plastic surgeon working on some rich woman's lips because she doesn't want to look old.
7. Astronaut     You don't get drafted to be an astronaut, it's like the president, you gotta want the job.
8. Police officer    Like firefighter, this one is stressful.
9. Pro football player     It's a sport, like race car driving and the MINIMUM salary in 2010 is $325,000. Most of the players that make minimum sit on the bench, the ones that play make more. What's stressful about that, getting tackled? I can solve that, don't get tackled, no stress and you'll make more money.
10. Air traffic controller     I don't know about these guys but if it's that bad, maybe they should go stand at the door at Wal-Mart.

I don't think we really know what stress is today.
Imagine this:
It's 10,000 BC, winter time, about 20 degrees out, you're a cave dude and haven't eaten in three days. You have to go out, hope you can find something to eat AND hope that a saber toothed cat don't find you for his supper first. Now this dude can say he's stressed out....

i'm glad we pay these dip weeds

This is from the Connecticut State Senate. I sorta figure (as a matter of fact, I'd bet a dollar) they're all the same, including the ones in D.C.

Do you know what a Dip Weed is?

junk mail

Crap-mail just irritates the puke outta me. I don't know why it bothers me so much, maybe I'm a little OCD (or anal if you don't know what OCD is) but it does. It could be because I don't like to waste my time going through my mail, deciding what's junk and what's not, I could be doing something else, even taking a nap would be more productive. It could be because I pay to have my trash picked up, so I'm paying to get rid of something I didn't want in the first place. It could be because it's a big freaking waste. I'm not gonna sign up for the credit card but the credit company can spend 44 cents on postage and I'm guessing 50 cents or so for the paper, envelope and labor. That's a dollar by my estimate, I can't imagine them getting more than one or two people signed up for every hundred they send out. That's 100 bucks more or less to get one customer (maybe two customers but I figure the way things are today, one of them will never pay off his card anyhow). If they can afford to do all that, they're making too much money to start with. Advertise a cheap rate and I might sign up for a card, other than that, leave me the hell alone.

Back awhile ago, I heard about a guy who'd save all the return envelopes he got in junk mail. Then he'd wrap up a brick, stick the envelope to it and send it back to them. If he had an old pair of shoes to throw out, he'd stick'em in a shoe box, slap a return envelope on it and send it off. Sounded like a cool idea to me but too much effort. I got a better idea plus since the Post Office is going broke due to the lack of volume, it'll help them out too.

Save up all your junk mail for a week or two. Then one night when you're bored or had a bad day at work, go through all of it and remove any personal info from it and pull out all the postage-paid return envelopes. Take the envelopes and stuff them full of all the paper/crap left over. Take the Best Buy flyer and send it to the Bank of America. Take the Pay Day Loan ad and send it to Wells Fargo. If you don't have enough to fill them all up, empty out the cat's litter box or something. Then take the whole pile to a post office box and drop it off.

You'll feel better, knowing you helped out a postal worker and you sent all that crap back to the folks that sent it to you in the first place. Evidently they have plenty of money and time, they can deal with it or they could just stop sending all that crap to you.

thanks for all the forwarded emails.....

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a Pennie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t e-mail this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

the difference between heaven and hell

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble..
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book....
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

you might be a redneck if.....

Redneck #1 asks his buddy, Redneck #2, to help him put a crome air filter housing on his POS truck. In the backyard, under a tree, they get the original breather off the truck and realize that they don't have all the parts to put the new one on. Redneck #1 says "Let's go to the parts store in the truck so we can make sure we get what we need." Redneck #2, being the smarter one says "You dumbass, you can't drive this truck without an airfilter, aint no telling what'll get sucked down through the carberator into the engine." Redneck #1 thinks on this a bit then decides it'd be a good idea to take his tee-shirt and tie it over the carb, "That'll keep anything outta it." Looks like a good idea to Redneck #2 so they finish off their beers and load up and head to the parts store.

About a hundred yards out of the drive way the truck goes dead. After several minutes of trying to start it, they get out and open the hood. No sign of the tee-shirt except for the end of one sleeve sticking out the top of the carberator.

FYI     This is a true story and I'm not one of the rednecks.

quote of the day

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress...but then I repeat myself". - Mark Twain

Redneck Beer Reveiw 8-21-10

Yep, Busch Light again but look at the label. Texas has their own. How cool is that?

Road Rage

I saw a billboard on the interstate yesterday. It read 'Share the Road'. For everyone that can't read, that means 'Get the hell outta the way!'

Negative Double Positive

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Hello kitty?

I think the hat speaks for its self....

parenting

i aint got no kids but looks like a good idea to me.....

portrait or landscape

I had a guy ask me about mounting a LCD TV the other day. He wanted to know if there was a way to make it rotate so he could use it in portrait or landscape mode. I thought about it and started to tell him that I was sure it could be done, then I thought, "Why in the world would you want to?" So I asked him why. He said he liked to look at his pictures from his camera on the TV but was tired of twisting his head around to see the pictures he'd taken with the camera turned up. I said "Well, all right then...."        I don't figure he needed to be messing with mounting a LCD TV if he can't rotate his pictures.  

life rules (a few more words of wisdom)

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

things to teach your kids

11 things kids ought to know:


RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

dough boy

Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

u ever noticed?

as many times as i've watched STAR WARS, i never noticed:

this is from "The Empire Strikes Back", looks like an electric ice cream freezer to me. Maybe Darth Vader likes home-made vanilla bean ice cream.

from the new "Star Trek" movie. i bet there's some baling wire around somewhere. credit for this goes to http://community.livejournal.com/ontd_startrek/1331843.html

if you like Star Trek, he has some cool pictures there.

what a waste.

I heard that Chelsea Clinton's wedding will cost between 3 and 5 million dollars. You think Bill and Hillary (along with 99% of the other politicians) are a little outta touch with the real world?

gps

I was just thinking, why doesn't Garmin or Tom Tom build a radar detector into their GPS. There's feature I'd like. Get me where I'm going and get me there faster. Might keep my wife from gettin a ticket too.....

i can call you a redneck if.......

This dude from Alabama helps us Mississippi folks look sophisticated. Oh yea, he had one tooth in his head, on the bottom and right in the middle.

just another day at micky dee's

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

just another day at wal-mart

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.


After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

Difference between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?


In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death

Redneck Beer Review #8

Same beer, different location.

Good beer: well, actually 4th or 5th good beer.

ok, last redneck.... for a day or two at least

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.


12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.


14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.


15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.


17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

i can call you a redneck if......

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.


7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


9. Your junior prom offered day care.


10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

to be continued (yea, it's redneck week on my blog)

i can call you a redneck if.....

you get too drunk to operate your flip-flops.

lindsay lohan

Boo-hoo, she got 90 days in jail. Who gives a rat's ass? Maybe that means I won't have to hear about her for 3 months.

i can call you a redneck if....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.


3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.


5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

to be continued.

What would you do?

Guess what I did? (it says "do not open")

psychic

While driving across Alabama, I saw a sign; "Psychic Readings". I stopped and stood on the porch for about 20 minutes...........

nobody ever came to the door.......

Oil leak report

I don't see no stinkin' oil.

Goofy signs

I was going down highway 98 today, east of Panama City today and I saw a warning sign on the side of the road. It said "Caution Low Flying Planes". WTF? Who the hell is that for? Am I suppose to duck or what? Are plane hitting cars a problem here? Seems to me that maybe the planes should fly a little higher.....

no hassle returns

I keep hearing this add on the radio for Kohl's. It says they have "no-hassle" returns. You don't need a receit and it don't matter if you worn the clothes or not, they'll take them back and give you store credit. That gave me an idea. My wife buys a few clothes, I'm not complaining, she's not too bad (shoes are another story) but she does buy her share of clothes. With this no-hassle return, why can't she buy a week or two worth of clothes, wear'em, then take them back. She would have new clothes every week and wouldn't have to do laundry. Hell, she could even pick me up some and eliminate all the laundry. We could just stop by the store on Saturday afternoon with a full laundry basket, drop them off at the register and pick out some new duds.

Works for me, just have to convince her....

it's all good til the little orange stick falls off

As I tuned my radio to a new station, I was just thinking: What the hell exactly happens on these newer radios when you turn the dial. I don't want to sound like an old fart but in the old radios (70s and back), I knew what was going on. I turned the dial, it turned a rod that went through a coil of wire that was the actual tuner. I know this because I tore apart more than one old car radio. Nowadays, you tear into a radio and all you get are a bunch of little parts that don't look like they do nuthing. Not knocking new radios, they work fine, just hard to figure out. I guess they're better than the old radios, you know why I used to tear one apart from time to time? Because that little orange stick behind the clear plastic that tells you what station you're on would fall off. If you want to know how that works, it was on a tiny little cable that wrapped around the dial/rod. So when you tuned it, the cable would move the little orange plastic stick from one end of the dial to the other. You could tune one of your presets to say 88FM and another to 106FM then push the buttons to see how fast you could make the little orange stick move. (Notice that I didn't say 88.5FM or 106.3FM, weren't no such thing, you couldn't tune them that close.) It was all fun until you did it one too many times and the little orange stick fell off and rattled around in the radio every time you hit a bump. You had to find a station and wait til the DJ comes on and tells you what station you got it on. I never did figure out how to put that little orange stick back....

FYI-At one time I had a 1978 Cutlass that had every factory option on it. Including a AM-FM CB 8-Track Tape Player. Yea, I said CB, not CD. The mic for the CB was about as big as your head.

star trek

I was just thinking, how many times will the navigator of the Enterprise get thrown out of his chair before they decide to start wearing seat belts?

nothing to do with seatbelts but classic ST TNG

boy, is it hot!!!

those were the days

Wouldn't it have been cool to have one of these when you were a kid:

We thought a refridgerator box with some holes cut in it was great....

taters

I was just thinking about a baked potato, yea, I just ate one so why can't I be thinking about one. Potatoes are cheap, you can get one about the size of a football for a quarter or something like that, they're cheap anyhow. Five or ten minutes in the microwave, then wrap it in tin foil and put it in the oven until whatever your eating with it gets done, it's ready to eat. A little salt, pepper, butter and sour cream (all kinds of other crap is good but not necessary) and you can't beat it, right?

You ever eat a baked potato a Red Lobster? 

What the hell do they do to their taters? I've eaten at the Lobster a lot and I know it's not real seafood. Same as Taco Bell is not real mexican food. It's good but not real seafood. It aint cheap so looks like to me at least they'd learn how to bake a potato. This piece of crap looks/tastes like it was baked a week ago, left in the sun to dry out, then warmed up and put on my plate. How hard is it to bake a potato? Then look at the size of it! I poop bigger than that. Taters are cheap, seafood is expensive, who don't know that? If I ran a Red Lobster, I'd put a big ass baked potato on your plate, then pile up a bunch of shrimp and you'd think you got a butt-load of food. Actually you would, just most of it would be a cheap potato, that'd make the seafood go further. Before I did that, I hire the dude at Wendy's that bakes the potatoes for them to be the head chef!

That and I'd serve Busch Light at the bar......

simple

A woman beaten black and blue goes to the doctor.


The Doctor says, "What happened?"


The Woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."


The Doctor says, "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."


Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


The Woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"


The Doctor says, "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

guess what?

"BP, rig owner Transocean and oilfield services contractor Halliburton have all pointed fingers at each other for the disaster."

I was reading a story about the oil spill and came across Halliburton. I wondered what all they were into so I Googled it. Holy Crap, I can't even begin, they've got their hand in everything. You'd think that between them and BP and Transocean, at least they'd have the money to clean up the mess they made in the Gulf but I bet Halliburton gets out of it. If you remember, our last vice-president was CEO of Halliburton before George W. picked him. (and he's also the VP that shot his hunting buddy in the face)

Here's a quote and a link to a story on Halliburton, you read it and kinda think they may have expected trouble:

"Halliburton is under Justice Department Securities and Exchange Commission investigation over allegations of improper dealings in Iraq, Kuwait and Nigeria," Whitley Strieber wrote March 12, 2007.

Halliburton announced on March 12, 2007, that "it would open a corporate headquarters in the United Arab Emirates city of Dubai and move its chairman and chief executive, David J. Lesar, there." [1] "Halliburton will remain a US company subject to US laws, but Dubai has no extradition agreement with the United States, meaning that Mr. Lesar could not be compelled to return to the US to testify, stand trial or serve any sentence related to any Halliburton activities under investigation."
The company will also maintain its existing corporate office in Houston, Texas, "as well as its legal incorporation in the United States, meaning that it will still be subject to domestic laws and regulations."
In February 2007, "Congress was told that $2.7 billion paid to Halliburton and its subsidiaries and subcontractors for work done in Iraq was either excessive or unsupported," Strieber wrote. "Another upcoming investigation that affects Halliburton is the current scandal at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The Washington Post reported that the Army agreed to privatize the operation of Walter Reed by awarding a $120 million contract to IAP Worldwide Services, a contractor with connections to KBR, a Halliburton subsidiary."
"Although the announcement of the new Dubai arrangement took many by surprise, Halliburton said that the move was part of a strategy announced in mid-2006 to concentrate its efforts in the Middle East and surrounding areas, where state-owned oil companies represent a growing source of business."

Hallibuton Info

Bunch of damn crooks......