inverted nipples?

I was just thinking about nipples. Well actually I was watching Dr. Oz but it sounded better to say I was thinking about nipples rather than say I was watching Dr. Oz again. I was busy doing something else and heard Dr. Oz say "yada yada yada, nipples, blah blah blah." All I got out of it was inverted nipples and then he was talking about something else. What the hell was an inverted nipple? All I could imagine was an upside down boob.

After 2 or 3 days of thinking about it, I decided that I should find out exactly what an inverted nipple was. In my little world, I had never heard of one. I went to the Google Search bar and typed in "inver" and before I could get anything else typed, inverted nipples was the first thing to pop up in the suggestions. I guess Myrtle, MS is a small little world, apparently the rest of the world knows about inverted nipples. In order to catch up with the rest of the world and for research only, I went ahead and clicked on inverted nipples. The first article that popped up was a Wikipedia article, I figured that would be safe to check out. Here's the article so the rest of the left out people of the world will know what an inverted nipple is. I left out the pictures (didn't want my blog to get a X rating) but you can do the search yourself and check them out, they're kinda National Geographic type pictures anyway.
"An inverted nipple (occasionally invaginated nipple) is a nipple that, instead of pointing outward, is retracted into the breast. In some cases, the nipple will be temporarily protruded if stimulated, but in others, the inversion remains regardless of stimulus. Women and men can have inverted nipples."

That was all I needed to know about it but feel free to do more research on your on. How bout that, the first blog I did was on pooping and the last one of the year was on nipples, I'll have to figure out how to start off next year.


Got  any idea what movie this quote is from: "Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy."

JOKE I

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."   (unknown)

beer makes it work better

I was just thinking about some of the crazy warnings on drugs. Some of these must be for really slow people. What made me think about it was the other day when my back was hurting. It was really bad, I must have slept wrong, (how the heck do you sleep wrong, seems like you'd be awake if you were sleeping wrong???). I asked my wife if she still had some good drugs left over from when she had surgery. She said she did and offered to get them for me. When she brought them to me, she asked if I needed anything to wash them down with, I said yea, how about a beer. She quickly informed me that those drugs were not to be taken with alcohol and that I should read the label. Being the smart-ass that I am, I read the label and told her that it said alcohol could intensify the effects, the effects being pain relief and drowsiness. Why would I not want these effects intensified? Looks to me like it should say "Alcohol may make this medication work better." The rest of the warning was about driving and operating heavy machinery, what sane/drowsy/drunk person would go for a drive after taking that? If they would, do you think the warning would stop them? I think these warnings are for idiots and idiots aint gonna do right anyway. Here's some others:

Viagra: "may cause sudden hearing loss"   let's see, if I want to take Viagra for the reason it's intended, you think I'm gonna worry about sudden hearing loss?

Birth Control Pills: "will not lessen/prevent risk of a STD"   I hate to tell you but if you think birth control pills will stop you from getting AIDs, a pill you have to remember to take everyday aint the route you should take for birth control.

Zoloft: "increased risk of suicide"   You take it for depression/anxiety, ya'think that could increase the risk?

Zicam: "product liked to sudden loss of smell"   Squirt zinc up your nose and you might lose your sense of smell. That don't really surprise  me.

Ambien: "may cause sleep driving"   now that scares the hell outta me. If I have to take Ambien, I'll definitely  line up a designated driver or hide my keys from myself.

If drugs have to have all those warnings, don't you think bottled water should say "May cause drowning".

time to party!

I was just thinking that I should buy everybody a round. Through Google Adsense, my blog has made $1.00. That's right, one dollar. Blogging for 2 months and I have one dollar. 36 posts or 2.78 cents per post.

If you figure that I spend 10 to 15 minutes per post, that's 9 hours total plus about 3 hours to start with, 12 hours; that'd be 8.3 cents per hour. WOW!!!

I figure sometime about the middle of next year, I'll have enough to buy a six-pack (of cheap beer). The next milestone will be 1000 page impressions (blog's been viewed 1000 times). If your reading this now, you'll be about 810 but don't expect a big prize if you happen to be the 1000th reader......

cooking tip #1

I was just thinking that I should pass this information on, it could prevent serious injury or at least making a big-ass mess.

If your using Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce, DO NOT HEAT IT UP IN THE MICROWAVE IN THE ORIGINAL BOTTLE.

After 26.372 seconds in the microwave, this is what the bottle looks like. A couple more seconds, molten plastic and BBQ sauce would have been everywhere. In case you didn't know, Baby Ray's is the best BBQ to use on most anything, I guess that's 2 tips in one blog. I don't think this warning is on the bottle but after the fact, we couldn't tell for sure.

Quick question, how can anything you put in the microwave be 3,789 degrees around the edge but still have ice crystals in the center?

Hap, Hap, Happiest Christmas

happy holidays

see ya after xmas......

attention wal-mart employees

I was just thinking as I was standing in line at Wal-Mart (I spend too much of my life in line at Wally World) that the top dogs at Wal-Mart corporation more than likely spent a lot of time figuring out how to make this line move as fast as possible. And what actually happens? This chick running the register is clueless! She has this fancy carousel with bags on it, all she has to do is load a couple of bags, spin the wheel, start over; load bags, spin wheel, start over. Instead of doing it the obvious way, she drops a few cans from about 3 feet in the air then picks up the bags and holds it out waiting for me to take it.

I just stared in disbelief, after what seemed like minutes, this crazy woman shakes the bag at me. Well I finally took the bag, there's 8 or 50 people in line behind me and I don't want to hold'em up. Did she miss the training? Load bag, spin wheel, start over.....  Does she need Pat Sajak to show her how to spin?

Anyway, I wait for her to fill a bag then try to outsmart her, I start to turn the carousel so I ran reach the bag and she can keep scanning my crap, she grabs the bag before it gets outta her reach and hands it to me. Wal-Mart; home of low prices and low IQs.

I finally get headed to the door, that damn door-greeter better not stop me to ckeck my receipt(that's another blog)............

redneck beer review #1

I was just thinking that I should do something to make my blog better. After a little looking on the internet, I realized that beer blogs/beer reviews were very popular. That got me to thinking, hell, I drink beer, why can't I do a review? What better beer to start with then my favorite, Busch Light, so here we go.....

Let's start with what I like about it:

1. cheap (less than 15 bucks/30pack), you can forgive a lot with cheap.
2. comes in a 30 pack (what's better than a case, a case and a 6 pack.
3. comes in a easy open can, no bottle/can opener needed.
4. if you drink cheap beer, most folks won't bum off you.
5. recycle cans, takes a lot of them to amount to much but I don't see that as a problem.
6. tastes great, if you don't agree, that's why there's 4,651 different kinds of beer.
7. light beer/less calories, my wife says I don't like any thing "light", i beg to differ.
8. I've seen the brewery, it's cool and they give free samples.
9. American made (but now owned by Inbev, long as they don't mess up a good thing).
10. don't need glass/cup, no mess, this beer is meant to be drunk straight outta the can.

I can't think of but one thing I dislike about it, that "c" in Busch goes against my rules of spelling.

Redneck Rank: 6 pack of tall-boys, ice cold.

the pope to save the day!

I was just thinking about a headline I saw in the paper today. It said: "Pope calls for action on climate change". I thought, "Now we're getting somewhere!" Somebody finally called the man with the right connections to get something done about this climate change crap. The Pope should have the inside track to "the Dude" that can put a stop to climate change once and for all. It's only been going on for millions (maybe billions) of years, be about time to get it taken care of. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure our emissions and stuff may have caused it to speed up but it's still going to happen. The weather man said that next year there'd be more hurricanes (see "let's all go ahead and freak out now"), same dude could look at what's happened in the past and say we're over due for a warming spell. If you can tell from the chart below (borrowed from http://www.scotese.com/climate.htm), we're on borrowed time anyway as far as global warming goes.   

I'll just look on the bright side, if the polar ice caps melt, I'll be living that much closer to the beach.

road rage part 2

Parking lights, yea, I was just thinking about parking lights. It gets dark earlier and driving back and forth to work on night shift, I see all these folks driving around with their parking lights on. Let's see, they're called parking lights, P-A-R-K-I-N-G lights, is there something hard to figure out about that?

If your not parked, why the hell you got them turned on? You think the street lights give you enough light to see so you don't need your DRIVING lights? If I were you, I'd be more worried about me trying to see your dumb ass! You get right down to it, I think you look stupid driving around like that, maybe that's just me. But you have been warned, if I run over your ass because I didn't see you due to the fact that you didn't have any lights on but your parking lights (aka you're stupid), the cops may not have to worry about getting your side of the story. I'll just tell them that the tire iron flew out the back of my truck on impact and smacked you square in the head.

I don't understand, are you trying to save electricity? Keep your light bill down? Save the earth? What gives? Do you think you get better gas mileage? Just one more click on the knob and the driving lights are on. Is that hard? Are your bulbs gonna burn out quicker? Better off burnt out as to be all smacked up. If I remember from Driver's Ed class, you can get a ticket for driving around like that but that was a long time ago and beside the point, it just don't make sense.

Like I said: "Are you stupid?" should be a question on the driver's test.

$1.75 trillion

I was just thinking, do you know how much 1.75 trillion dollars is? I aint got a clue. From my point of veiw, there's no way I could spend that much money even if I had help. That's how much the federal budget deficit is. The government has spent 1.75 trillion more dollars than they've taken in. Read it again   $1,750,000,000,000   HOLY CRAP!!!   Let's break that down into figures a redneck can understand: if the population of the U.S. is 305 million (305,000,000) and the deficit is 1.75 trillion (175 & butt-load of zeros), that figures to be $5,737,705 per person. You got that? Over 5.5 million dollars a person. Do they expect me to pay my share? Damn, I hope not. I have enough trouble paying off a truck, that's about 145 trucks at $40,000 each.

"In the first year of Barack Obama's presidency, the deficit is expected to reach $1.75 trillion. President Obama does not intend to balance the budget during his term but does plan to lower the deficit to $533 billion by the year 2013." He didn't start all this but he needs to be looking at one of those morgage companies he bailed out for a 30 year loan.

I think the problem is that when Congress says they're going to pass a balanced budget, they don't have a clue what that means. I aint no finacial advisor but I know what happens if you write checks for more than what you got in the bank. If the money aint there, you can't spend it. I get charged 35 bucks if I bounce a check, start taking it outta congress's pay checks and they'd figure that crap out. If you can't make it balance, you don't get paid and you don't get no freaking xmas break either.

"The Balanced Budget Amendment is any one of various proposed amendments to the United States Constitution which would require a balance in the projected revenues and expenditures of the United States government. Most such proposals contain a supermajority exception allowed for times of war or national emergency." (quoted from Wikipedia)
It says "proposed amendments", that means it's not a law that they have to balance the budget. Hell no it aint a law, it's common damn sense. I guess it was a national emergency to bail out the car companies but who the hell is gonna bail out the government. I say let'em file chapter 11, sell off what they got and give me my share. But wait a minute, they/we own a butt-load of GM stock and it's worth about 55 cents a share, guess my share aint what I thought it'd be. (same dudes that invested in GM got us the 1.75 trillion dollar deficit)


Near as I can figure, this guy (John Maynard Keynes) back in the 1930s came up with the idea that it was OK for the government to spend more than it took in because of the Keynesian theory (named after him). Well, here's his theory: Because of the multiplier effect, it is possible to change aggregate demand (Y) keeping a balanced budget. The Government increases its expenditures (G), balancing it by an increase in taxes (T). Since only part of the money taken away from households would have actually been used in the economy, the change in consumption expenditure will be smaller than the change in taxes. Therefore the money which would have been saved by households is instead injected into the economy, itself becoming part of the multiplier process. In general, a change in the balanced budget will change aggregate demand by an amount equal to the change in spending. I got a word for his theory   BULLS**T   . It might have worked during the great depession but Nixon took it and ran with it in 1969 and it's been pretty much downhill ever since. There has been a budget surplus a couple of times since then but beats me what they did with them, should'a put it in the bank for hard times. (same dumb asses would have put it in Washington Mutual which failed this year)

I say if you aint got it, don't spend it. Yep, that means the war in Iraq is over, everybody come home. Same for the war in Afganistan. 4 day work weeks for all government employees. No more $800 hammers. Nobody goes to the Moon or Mars until we get this crap fixed. Hell, I got to make cut backs due to hard times, everybody else should too.

How do you spend 1.75 trillion dollars more that you got? And they're worried about Joe Blow making $15/hour that can't make his payment on a house he shouldn't bought in the first place. Makes my head hurt......

dr. spock

I was just thinking that if I did another blog on Dr. Oz, everyone would think I watch the damn show. Well, I don't, my wife just happened to be watching it, you can believe it or not. Anyhow, I should watch it 'cause you can get all sorts of crap to blog about from it. If you've seen the show (if not, take a peek sometime while you're flipping through the channels), have you ever taken a good look at Dr. Oz? Take a real good look, the eye brows, the ears, the hair; I swear, I think he's Vulcan. I did some research, here's what I came up with, see for your self:

See what I mean? Put Oz in the closet for about 3 months and the complextion would be the same. Dr. Oz has emotions, Vulcans have emotions, they just supress them. Another thing, Dr Oz works for Oprah, Spock works for the Federation. They're the same aren't they? Dr. Oz's first name is Mehmet, that's alien aint it?

Dr. Oz wrote a book called "YOU: Staying Young: The Owner's Manual for Extending Your Warranty", that sounds like something Spock would write, don't it?

                                                       Maybe I'm wrong but I think he's Vulcan.

blue lights

I was just thinking that I should follow up that last blog with something more entertaining and do it quick, fast and in a hurry. Here's a short:

This past Sunday, my mom had a birthday dinner for my nephew (her grandson), he had just turned 15. After dinner, everyone was grilling him with questions from the driver's license test he would be taking soon. The quiz ended abruptly when his grandfather asked him what he would do if he saw blue lights behind him. He answered without even a second to think "Put down my beer, remain calm and try to focus."

That was a good one but I'm not sure if he was serious or not. Another reason that I don't have kids.

what's up toyota?

I was just thinking that this is not much of a news or current events blog but I could put whatever I wanted to in, so here it is.

A couple of weeks ago a Japanese news paper said that Toyota would go ahead with the Mississippi plant and build Corollas there. Since then Toyota has denied that anything had been decided. Well, I don't believe them. I think they're telling a big fat one. I won't say they're making Corollas or Priuses but something's up. Remember you heard it here first or second or something, same dude that said we'd have less rain next year.

i wanna die with my hat on.

I was just thinking that I can take it as well as I can dish it out so why not make a little fun of myself. To make a short story longer, I got to give a little back ground so here goes:

I wear a cap 90% of the time. Hard hat at work, baseball cap at home. If I'm not wearing a hat, I consider that to dressed up.

I work long hours, usually 13 (plus a little) hours a day. I got a 1 hour and 15 minute round trip commute to work. My shift rotates between days and nights every week.

Enough background, as you can imagine, at times I have to hurry home to bath, eat, see the wife and get in bed so I can get some sleep, especially after 3 or 4 days/nights, I'm ready to get some sleep. One day I came in and started rushing through my routine of running bath water, eating and then getting in the tub, all the time thinking "Man, I'm gonna do some good sleeping this morning." Well, I went to get in the tub and thought "The light in here doesn't look right." Oh well, must be a bulb out, that'll be something to do on my next day off. I slid on down in the tub, still thinking about getting some sleep as I leaned back with my eyes closed, reminding myself not to fall asleep in the tub again. I shook my head a little to wake myself up and opened my eyes, wait, the light still don't look right, what's the deal?

It was then that I realized, there I sat, naked, in the bath tub with my hat on (looking like a real goofas). Boy, I'm glad my wife aint home yet. If you can laugh at youself, that should give you the right to laugh at everybody else.

not genuine or real

I was just thinking about the word faux. Here's the definition:
not genuine or real; being an imitation of the genuine article; it's real synthetic fur"



Synonyms: fake, false, imitation, simulated
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I'm remembering right, you never heard this word until sometime in the late 80s or so (at least here in north Mississippi but we are a little behind). We just used the words we already had like fake or false. No fancy French words.

"Grandpaw left his false teeth on the back of the commode again!" not "Grandpaw left his faux teeth on the back of the commode again!" You'd just sound like a dumb ass.

I'm thinking somebody was trying to pass something off as "not fake" so they called it "faux" just to sound good. It caught on with a bunch of snotty folks and here we are. Got a word we don't need that is spelled about a screwed up as you can get. If you read my rules (see "english sux" post), it'd be spelled "foe", least then it wouldn't look so goofy. Can't we just leave well-enough alone and keep it simple. You remember this:

Ford Country Squire Wagon, we had one in '73. It's a faux SUV with real faux wood-grained paneling.

let's all go ahead and freak out now

I was just thinking about another news headline I saw today. I don't remember exactly how it went but something like "Next hurricane season to be more severe than 2009". I thought later "What the hell?", we only had like 3 named storms this year didn't we? I looked it up and yep, 3 of them. Mildest season since 1944 according to some web sites. Looks like to me the odds would be that next year would be worse, ya think? The yearly average is like 6 or something, that means that we could have 4 next year and it would be more severe but still way off the norm, right? They didn't say the we'd have 10 catagory 5 storms next year, just that it would be more severe. All they're doing is freaking everyone out so that a month before hurricane season begins, the oil companies can jack up gas prices for no reason. Like I've said before, everybody just chill the hell out!

I think I'm gonna apply for a metrological job, I can do as good as them. Let's see, Mississippi average rainfall is about 53 inches annually, so far this year we've had around 170 inches. I predict that we end the year with more than average rainfall. Oh yea, let me go out on a limb here, I bet we have less railfall next year than we had this year. I can also stick my head out the door and tell if it's raining or not, so I'm gunning for Dick Rice's (local WTVA weather dumbass) job now. For his sake, I hope Wal-Mart is looking for a door-greeter.

portion control

I was just thinking that I could use a snack. I'm thinking Fig Newtons, peanut butter & crackers or maybe a Twix bar. I go to the pantry, nothing, not even an old stale Fig Newton. I stand there looking in the cabinet trying to decide what to do, then remember that my wife keeps a few snacks so I go rumaging around in her stuff. JACKPOT, I see a Kit-Kat bar in the back. I pull it out but it's not right, it's some little toy bar, on the pack it says "snack size". Well, I wanted a snack so we'll give it a shot. I go sit down in my recliner with my "snack" and as I unwrap it, I realize a new dilemma I have. How are you suppose to eat this, 1 nice big bite or 2 small half bites? Do I want the full effect all at once or make it last?

Well, I went for the 1 big bite and back to the pantry for something else. I found a Snicker bar, I don't much care for Snickers but this one says "Fun Size". I hate to tell you but there aint nothing fun about it. It's not even a candy bar, it's a piece of candy, somebody is just trying to confuse me. Fun size my butt, let's look for something else. I scratch around and come up with a tiny little bag of Chips-Ahoy cookies. By this time I'm a bit sceptical, figure there's about 1.5 cookies in the bag. To my suprise when I opened it, there were 5 whole cookies in the bag, yep, that's right 5. My excitement was short lived, they were the size of a dime, make that freaking Kit-Kat bar look like dessert for 2.

Finally came up with a Zinger, you know a fancy Twinky and it happened to be my favorite flavor. Raspberry (who the hell decided rasberry needed a 'p'?) icing with coconut, aint had one of those in years, but you guessed it. Somehow it had been miniturized too, looked like a fuzzy dead caterpiller in life size.

Along those same lines are the 100 calorie packs, what's up with that? If I had my Fig Newtons to start with, I wasn't going to eat the whole pack. Now I hear that Coke is coming out with regular Coke (not diet), in a 100 calorie can (I think in beer-drinking terms, it's called a pony), how many people drink the whole 2 liter bottle as soon as they open it? I buy a half case of beer I don't think I have to drink the whole thing a once.

To heck with this, I'm going to Taco Bell and get a "Grilled-Stuffed-Burrito" with real sour cream, that's what you call "fun sized".

k cars

I was just thinking about a guy I work with. We'll call him Karl, change the name a little bit, you know, I wouldn't want to make anybody mad.

Karl is from the country, way back in the country (when I say way back, I mean way back). First time I met Karl, he had just gotten off the night shift and had his car pulled up to the maintenance shop here at work and was putting air in one of his tires. I walked by and spoke to him as I passed, nice enough guy, grinned real big as he said hello. I went on about my business but after a minute I realized something wasn't right about what I had just seen. I turned around and went back, he was still working on the tire. I stared a minute then I just had to ask, "Karl, how come you got those big mud grips on your front wheels?" He said without checking up from what he was doing, "It's front wheel drive, where else you gonna put'em." Well, nothing else I could say, he was right and I was a dumb ass. I walked on off and back to what I was doing but will not forget that car with the big mud grips on the front. I won't ask a dumb question like that again.

disclaimer

I was just thinking about my blog and what some folks might think about it. It's like this, it's a blog, that's all. I write whatever stupid thing is on my mind that I think might make some one laugh or think or say WTF. That's all it is, if you can't take it, quit reading it. If it makes you mad, leave a comment. Or you can just sit there, see where that gets you. Make fun of my spelling or something, here's an idea, forward me a bunch of junk emails (russelbob@gmail.com). At least I'm doing something even if it's only writting in this goofy blog. To put things in perspective, watch the following video, I just ordered two (as christmas gifts)......

pay it forward

I was just thinking that I would piss some people off if I did a blog on this but what the hell? Might mean I don't get some many CRAP emails/texts. Do people really believe that if they forward the email that the baby won't die? You know what I'm talking about, "This baby aint got no arms or legs, but if you forward this to 10 people, it'll be cured." Gimme a break. Same goes for text messages, you know "Send this to 12 people and Jesus will give you a ticket straight to Heven." It aint gonna happen. If you think it will, you probably think that Bill Gates will really give you a $1000 if you forward his email to 20 people. Getting a text message from somebody and forwarding it to everybody you know aint gonna help no kid get over a disease, it aint gonna happen. If you got Gods phone number, send it to him, but he won't return my calls so don't expect me to forward it to him. Another thing is the emails/texts you think are funny, I'll admit some are, but just because you get it don't mean I'll like it. I do forward a few (VERY FEW) if I know some one will like it but I don't assume everyone in my contacts has my screwed up sense of humor. Send me something personal every now and then like "Hey dude, what's up? By the way your blog sucks." I won't be offended, all I gotta do is hit delete, least I'll know you care and sent something you actually took 5 seconds to type and not just forwarded to all your other loser friends.

road rage part 1

I was just thinking, well actually it was the other day, that I should do a blog on road rage but I couldn't decide what to put in and what to leave out. I decided to do it in parts so I could spend as much time as I needed to get my point across without the blog being 8 pages long. My view on road rage is "get rid of the problem". If you have a weed growing in your garden, you don't pull up all the vegetable plants, you pull up the weed by the roots and throw it to the side to die in the sun. If you have a cold, you don't cut off your nose, you take something to help get rid of the virus. Similarly, it's not the people who have road rage that are the problem, it's the people that cause the road rage that should be left by the side of the road to die. Let's start with one of the simplest things and you decide who has the problem.

STOP SIGNS     Very simple right, you stop, check that the coast is clear, then head on down the road. Only thing to worry about is if it's a 3 or 4 way stop, first one there goes first or if you got there at the same time, the person to the right goes. Nothing to it, how could you screw this up?

Well, here's how. For starters, the sign says stop and nothing else. Some folks think this means stop and sit for 30 or 40 seconds, then go. NO, just stop, check and go. That's it, do it and go already. It also doesn't mean to stop, then pull out real slow until your all the way out in the intersection, then go. Stop, then go the hell on, does the sign need more words, no, you just need to get the hell outta my way.

How about the guy that is entering the road you're on from a side road. He's miles down the road from you, pulls up to the stop sign, stops, waits until your too close, then pulls out in front of you. If you were gonna pull out in front of me anyway, why'd you bother to stop in the first place. Go on and get outta my way. To top that off, instead of going on, he does a blazing 35 freaking miles per hour. Again, if you were not in a hurry, why the hell are you pulling out in my way?

Here's a good one, you pull up to a 4 way stop, 3 other people stop at about the same time, it's a busy intersection. The guy to your left was clearly there first but for some reason, he's not going. You look over at him, with a clearly pissed off look on your face and guess what? This fool is grinning like an idiot and signaling for you to take his turn (he's such a nice dumb ass). This is when I want to pull the 45 out from under the seat and blow his brains out (but I don't have one). Don't sit over there and try to give me your turn, I want my turn but I can't take it until you get the hell outta my way. If it's your turn, take it and go, don't fart around, go. I aint got time for you to be nice, it'd be nice if you'd get outta  my way.

One along those same lines is the people at the intersection that don't have a clue who's turn it is. If we sit there for more than a couple of seconds, to hell with it, it's my turn and I'm going, you shoulda kept up with whose turn it was, I aint here to make sure you get your turn, your grown, act like it and get outta my way.

What about the dude (could be female, I aint no male chauvinist) in front of you that pulls up to the stop sign, with a clear view in all directions and just sits there, looking one direction then the other? What are you doing? Neck exersizes, you got a twitch, if you weren't going anywhere, what the hell did you get in the car for? Get the hell outta my way!

One more thing that goes along with stop signs is yield signs. Some people confuse yield with stop. If it says YIELD, don't freaking stop if nothing is coming, go on. I mean please, you look like a real dumb ass sitting stopped at a yield sign with some one behind you and nothing coming down the road, go on before I run your ass over.

That's enough for now, my blood pressure is up already just thinking about these dummies. As you can see, I don't have a problem with road rage, it's all these stupid people doing stupid things. All they gotta do is get the hell outta the way and every one would get where they were going alot sooner. "Are you stupid?" should be a question on the driver's test.

bah! humbug!

I was just thinking that it's only the 2nd of December and if I hear "Silent Night" one more time, I'll puke egg nog! Holy crap, I've heard it twice today already. I'm not a Scrooge or anything but it's too much. There should be a national limit on the number of Christmas songs a radio station can play. You know like, 4 weeks before Christmas - maybe 2 songs a day. 3 weeks before, 5 a day. 2 weeks, 7 a day and the week of Christmas they can play all they want. It's too much of a good thing, don't rush it. Wal-Mart already starts putting out xmas crap the day after Halloween, I'm expecting them to start the 5th of July any year now. By about the 20th of December, everytime I hear "Grandmaw Got Run Over By A Reindeer", I'll be pooping mistletoe.

First elf I see, I'm putting a foot up his ass and wearing him like a snow shoe. Jingle my freakin Bells.

something else to worry about

I was just thinking that two blogs in one day maybe too many but this is important and I got to work a lot this week so I may not have a chance to get around to it later so here goes.

We've banned all types of pestisides, outlawed all kinds of drugs, done away with lead paint and all kinds of other stuff to make our world a better place but today I came across a chemical that seems to have slipped through the cracks. Dihydrogen monoxide, how could we have missed it with all the problems it causes? I mean just look at some of the effects:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
What the hell are we doing? We should get together and solve some of these real problems. I'm not a big activist or anything so I could use some help, please leave some comments on how we should get started or what you think should be done, thanks, Bob

cosmopolitan

I was just thinking as I was standing in line at Wal-Mart, looking at the cover of a Cosmopolitan magazine, "I wonder what they mean by 'HIS #1 SEX WISH'?" I couldn't bring myself to actually pick up the magazine and look, I wouldn't want to be the dumb ass standing there reading a magazine and holding up the line. What would the teenage girl behind the register think if she saw me reading a Cosmo mag? (and why do I care what she thinks?) I just couldn't make myself look and see what my #1 wish was. 71% of guys crave it, must be good, I should'a looked.

Out in the parking lot, as I was loading groceries in the truck, it hit me. They're really misinforming women if they're telling them that there is one certain thing men crave. I hate to tell you girls but if you say you're going to do the laundry without a bra, we're thinking "Jackpot, must be my lucky day." We don't care, we just like sex, no if's, and's or but's. Our #1 sex wish is whatever it takes to make you want to have sex more. Any guy that tells you anything different is just trying to tell you something to get you to have sex more. It's worth repeating, our #1 sex wish is more sex. The magazine should quit playing games and just say "Tell your husband/boyfriend what he should do to have more sex." Everybody would be happier, you'd get what you want and we'd get more sex. Hell, the world would be a better place.

71% of men crave it, tell me something I don't know. The other 29% can't remember were they left their Viagra. Gimme a break. Another tag line on the cover is "Colors that make a man's heart race", is naked a color?

warp speed for dummies

I was just thinking that I might need to smart-up my blog a little bit, you know, make it more intellectual. I wondered how many folks really understand how fast warp speed is? I mean everyone has seen an episode or two (at least) of Star Trek, even if you don't watch it regularly, where Captain Picard said "Engage" after Riker gave a command of warp 7 or something. I watched the original Star Trek (reruns) and all the series that came after but it wasn't until I started watching "Voyager" that I realized that I didn't understand warp speed at all. I'll try to explain it to where anyone can understand. I'm not going into the "warp drive, warp nacells and dilithium crystals", warp speed is all you really need to understand. I won't debate if it's actually possible or not, I'll leave that to Steven Hawking or Carl Sagan, it's above my head. If you don't give a rat's ass, don't read it.

First thing you need to understand is that if you think warp speed is fast, you're wrong. It doesn't have anything to do with speed, it's actually more like shortening the distance between the places you want to go. To make it simple, take a piece of paper and draw a dot on each side like so: the paper is "space/time" (distance if space/time confused the hell outta ya), the dots are where you are and where you're going and the line (you'll draw next) is the path of travel.




Draw a line slowly connecting the two dots. We'll consider this to be normal speed (anything less than the speed of light). If you could draw the line so fast that you could not see your hand move across the paper, that would be the speed of light. So far we're still talking about SPEED, Albert Eienstien said that nothing could travel faster than the speed of light so we got to get around that to get from one planet to another before Captain Kirk is an old man.

Now, take the paper and tear it into, something like this:

Now take one piece and move it closer to the other one, overlap the paper. Move the dots closer together, this means the line between the dots is shorter. If you drew the line again at the same speed you did the first time, you'd get from one dot to the other quicker, right? We'll say this is Warp 1, just to keep it simple. That's the trick, warp speed actually warps "space/time" to make the points closer together. I aint saying that it can be done, just explaining.

Move the dots closer and closer, you get Warp 2, Warp 3 and so on. When you get to Warp 9, they are very close. I folded the paper to be able to see the dots as I moved them closer.

If you continue to move them closer and closer, you'll get to Warp 9.999999999999999999999999999999 (buttload of 9s) right before the dots touch. In theory, Warp 10 would be when the dots touch, then you'd have to be in two places at the same time. Even Steven, Carl and Albert say that is impossible. FYI, they did go Warp 10 once in Star Trek Voyager, but it messed them up pretty good.

If you watch a lot of Star Trek, you may remember Warp 13 or 14 from a couple of early episodes but this is the way it's generally explained now. It's a TV show, they goofed a time or two. There's also Transwarp, Hyperwarp and Transwarp Conduit (Borg), I'll leave them for another blog. I also like to stick with the facts of Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica uses a FTL (faster than light) Jump Drive that is pretty cool but I aint going there. If you know what to T stands for in James T. Kirk, you might have found this slightly interesting, if not, all I can say is "Live long and prosper".

who says i can't get stoned?

I was just thinking as I was driving home last night about my next blog. The radio was on and the AT-40 (top 40) was going. They started to play a newer song by John Mayer that I had heard a couple of times, fair song, I'm not a big John Mayer fan but it's all right. It started out "Who says I can't get ______?", what happened, did my ears blink? I listened again and the same thing, "Who says I can't get ______?". They had taken out the word "stoned" through the whole song. What the hell is up with that? They think some one would be offended? They have the show with that Nudge guy on every night, if he aint offensive, I don't know what is. They think just because some one heard the song, they'd go out and get stoned? If I was going to (I'm not, by the way), I'd listen to some CCR or something like that, not John Mayer, that's for sure. Are parents worried that if they're kids here stuff like that, they'll do it? I hate to tell you, but if your kids will do whatever some one on the radio sings about, you got bigger problems. Should'a whipped them more if that's all it takes to get out of line.

Good grief, I mean the first time I heard the Dixie Chics "Goodbye Earl" I went out and killed somebody. And what about Garth Brooks, I been waiting to catch by wife cheating just so I could drive a truck through the house like he said in "Poppa Loves Mamma". What about the old (not that old) song by Eric Clapton, first time I heard "Cocaine" I went out and "did a couple of lines" (if that's what you call it). Peter, Paul & Mary's "Puff the Magic Dragon" would really had me screwed up if I thought the radio was more than just something to listen to.

Everybody needs to get real and get over it. I mean if I could grow up in the 70s listening to Disco and not be any more messed up that I am, everyone else should chill the hell out.

found me a new camper

What do you think? Now I just have to find a VW Beetle.

nitrogen

I was just thinking about nitrogen. They put it in tires, suppose to improve gas mileage, if normal air is already 80% nitrogen, what's the point? If the atmosphere is 80% nitrogen, how can Dick Rice say there is 90% humidity? Laughing gas is nitrogen, looks like we'd be laughing most of the time. If you look it up on the internet, it says when you crack your knuckles, it's nitrogen bubbles popping, I aint sure I buy that. Some web sites advertise that you can improve your MPG on your car by 2 miles per gallon just by replacing the air with nitrogen, yea right. If that were the case, all the manufacturers would put it in the tires straight off the assembly line to help meet their EPA numbers. I think I'll set up a shop and start putting Helium in tires, make the car lighter, that would improve gas mileage, then we can take all that nitrogen and get a good laugh.

getting old

I was just thinking about getting old and thought I'd pass along some of the things I've figured out and a few that I haven't. I'm midway through the 40's, so I figure there's a lot more to learn and if anyone thinks I'm making fun of them, get over it. I'll be there someday, only worse, more than likely.

First thing is farts (I've already discussed pooping so why not farts first). I don't know about everyone but seems like when I was younger, I'd be, for example, in church and the urge would hit. You could sit there and hold it or you could ease it out and nobody would know for sure where it came from unless you giggled. You could be in the car with a bunch of your buddies and let one rip so loud you couldn't here the 8-track you had playing. Something happens at about 40, aint no holdin'em in. And aint no use trying to be quiet either, whatever it is, that's what it is. Now I'm afraid if I tried too hard to hold it in, I'd poop my pants. I can handle everybody laughing at a little poot but if I poop myself.....

Another thing I've noticed is my arms are somehow getting shorter. When I go to read the paper, I can't hold it far enough away to see it. Can't figure that one out, my shirt sleeves still seem to fit.

At one time, I could just up and ride a bike 10 miles, maybe more, and never think a thing about it. Somewhere around 30, if I'd done that, I would think "Man, I'll be sore tomorrow". And of course I would be. Now I can sit in a recliner all day long and watch TV, get up the next day barely able to walk and think "What the hell did I do yesterday?"

Everyone knows about hair falling out and growing back in strange places. I think by the time I'm 80 or so, I'll look like a bald monkey.

I'm already bad about opening my mouth and saying too much. At some point as you get older, the filter between your brain and your mouth quits working. Boy, there's gonna be some folks pissed at me, I can't wait for that to kick in.

What's the deal with worrying about trees falling on your house, I've done been told that I planted some too close to my house. I just said that it would give me something to worry about when I get old.

I've already started to stock up on lawn mower blades so when I feel the need to sharpen them before and after I cut the grass, I'll be ready. Right now I do good to sharpen it once a year.

You kinda notice that it seems like most older people shrink a little bit. I'm starting to understand why, every year the doctor wants to take something else off. I'm begining to think that I won't have to worry about weight gain in a few years. (add that to the picture of the old bald monkey)

At what point will I start to go to bed at dark and get up at daylight? That aint even started to kick in yet.

I can't remember if there was something else I wanted to add to this blog or not. Oh well, it'll come to me later.
Randy, you should be proud of me, I didn't ask you for any advice at all on this blog.

lactose tolerant

I was just thinking about milk. Who was the first person to say "I'm gonna catch that cow over there, squeeze that thing hanging down and what ever comes out, I'm gonna drink it." It had to have been on a dare, if it hadn't been done before, how thirsty you gotta be to come up with that? Maybe it was a goat, smaller and easier to catch but you ever smell a goat?

How about Honey? "Hey Bubba, you know them bugs that sting the hell out of you? I'll give you a dollar if you eat that sticky stuff they puke up." And I guess Bubba says "OK, got a bisquit?"

What about Sorghum/Molasses? Bubba liked the honey, didn't want to get stung so he says "If we cook this tall grass all day, I bet it would be good."

Here's one, snails (escargot). I've eaten them before, pretty good but I couldn't imagine being the first. How hungry was that guy?

How bout raw oysters? I think Bubba and Earl were out looking for pearls one day and Earl said "Hey Bubba, you ate them snails the other day, why not try one of these?" Bubba says "OK, got any crackers?"

I could see eating some squid if you were stuck on a boat for months, I could see that happening. I've said before, if I was on "Survivor", I'd be the first on to try a rat or a bug. If I got that hungry, I'd try lots of stuff.

Then there's the chicken egg. It came out of a chicken's ass (need I say more). While we're on chickens, how about rooster fries, you rather have what came out of her ass or his nuts? Don't mean to ruin eggs for nobody, just wondering. I bet after the first egg was eaten, it took a while for "sunny side up" to catch on.

I'll eat potted meat but don't want no turnip greens. Aint no telling what I ate in that potted meat but you can have my greens.

Just wondering about milk. Wish somebody had written that story down. Maybe they did, or this could be the second story about the dude that wanted a glass of milk but didn't know the difference in a cow and a bull.

ever heard of being polite?

I was just thinking that I didn't want this blog to be political but this is just being polite. When I got up this morning, all the news was about Pres. Obama bowing to the Japanese Emperor. So??? What's the big deal?

I'm not pro-Obama (or anti-Obama for that matter, I do think he's been given more credit than he has earned, FYI) so this is not meant as an endorsment. I just mean "Crap, he's in Japan for cryin out loud!!!" What's he suppose to do, give him the finger, turn his nose up at him. You go to somebodies house and you be polite. Don't matter if you like them or not you be polite. I will add, there is a point where you stop being polite but this aint it. He should expect the same, hell, everyone should, you treat people as you expect to be treated. It's not like he was bowing to worship the dude. You don't have to agree or believe some one is right to be polite, you'll get a lot more if you act reasonable.

Here's an example of when it's time to stop being polite: When George W. got the shoe thrown at him in Iraq, he should have gotten a shoe thrown at him if for no other reason than picking Dick Cheney as his Vice President, just my opinion.

All them "news" people need to go find some news to report, see if Brittney Spears is wearing panties today, how about that. And everybody watching the news needs to find something better to do or change to channel to "Deal or No Deal" or "Andy Griffith", you could learn something from Andy and Barney.

need a caption for this picture---

I need a caption for this picture. Please post them in the comments. Anything and everything welcome.
Example: "This is what I call a huddle!"