dog bites

this is why dogs bite:

Signs for stupid people

Are there really people who need this warning?
DANGER: Harmful or Fatal if Swallowed. Combustable.
You got worse problems if you need that on the label of a bottle of charcole starter.....

microwave

I was just thinking: How come if you put a frozen dinner in the microwave for 10 minutes, it'll still have ice crystals in it but if you put it back in the microwave for 3 more seconds, it comes out roughly the temperature of the surface of the sun? There is no "just right".....

another damn quote

Try to be the person your dog thinks you are,
but don't do too much ass sniffing.

walk ins welcome

I walked in and told them that I wanted a x-ray. They wanted to know why, I told them the sigh said 'walk-ins welcome', I just wanted to check my bones out. I left after that, I think they were calling security.

latest blond joke

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied,
"S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

Out of order

I was just thinking, what the hell does 'out of order' mean? Shouldn't it just say BROKE. Makes more sense don't it? My wife pointed this one out to me.

Redneck beer review #7

Kicked back with a cold beer and peanuts. Yea, it's Busch Light again but gimme credit, I tried Yuingling (that aint spelled right but no spell check on my phone) last month. Maybe I'll try something different tomorrow. Anyhow, I'm here and you're sitting there reading about it.

 So I say: Good beer.

how NOT to use a drive through ATM

i bet his wife said that she new he shouldn't have turned around there...

the five monkeys

We begin to learn the lesson of the five monkeys buy putting five monkeys in a cage and in the cage hang a banana on a string and put stairs leading up to it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey will make an attempt at the bananas; again spray all of the monkeys with cold water. Keep this up for several days with every attempt at the banana.

Now we turn off the cold water and observe.

If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey.

The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

“Because that’s the way it’s always been done around here.”

a few more quotes

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 

I'd give credit to whoever stated these quotes but I don't know who it was.

playing with bugs

I was just thinking that I would show everyone how simple it is to "hive" a "swarm" of bees. First off, a swarm of bees is how they make more hives or reproduce, if you want to know more, Google it or something, I got better things to do. If you keep bees or want to, all you got to do is catch a swarm.

Simple right? Just happen to have one in a tree in the yard.

The queen is somewhere in that wad of bees. About 1000 bees, maybe.

Next, you need a hive to put them in. That stuff in the box just makes it more 'homey' for the bees.

Next, get the bees in the box, easiest thing to do is set the hive up under the swarm and knock or rake them off into it.

And NO, they won't sting you. When swarming, they don't have a hive to protect so they don't sting. That don't mean that if one crawls down the crack of your ass that you won't get stung if you mash it.

They kinda tend to go everywhere when you knock them off the branch. You're hoping that most of them go in the box. The queen has to go in the box, as long as she goes in, everybody else will.

As I was getting ready to put the top on the hive, I happened to see the queen crawl over the edge and out of the box (the queen and the drones look different).

Found her over here on the side of the box. Before I could get her in, she flew off. Needless to say, all the bees started to follow her.

After a few minutes of watching the bees, I figured out where she was and started over. Usually they are more cooperative, they'll crawl right in the box if they're anywhere close. This queen just didn't want to do what I wanted her to do (imagine that, an uncooperative female).

Before I got the lid on, I found her crawling around in the grass and got this picture as I put her in.

That's it, done and done. I'll come back after dark, when they've settled down and move them to another location.

If you're worried about getting stung, go play with some ladybugs!

all weather hose

I was just thinking about this cheap-ass water hose I bought the other day. I guess it aint as cheap as I thought, it's got a few features I didn't even know were an option on a water hose.

It's an ALL WEATHER hose. Yep, that's right, I can use it in the rain or in the sunshine. Don't matter if the wind is blowing, my hose will still work.

It may be an all weather hose but I'd bet a dollar that when I hook it up, it'll still leak from one end or the other.....