a few more quotes

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 

I'd give credit to whoever stated these quotes but I don't know who it was.