throwing out the last of the leftovers

The Last of the Chicken Soup for the Beerdrinker

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You know you're drunk when you fall off the floor.

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.

ironic

I was just thinking, wouldn't it be ironic if you choked to death on a "Life Saver"?

news flash

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his MP3 player.

aircraft maintenance

I was just thinking about a trip to Toronto I took a few years back. Flying is a pain in the ass and some of the people that work for the airlines couldn't make french fries at McDonalds. Flying up there was pretty much uneventful, it was the return trip that went south right out of the gate.

It was an early flight, we were getting ready to back out of the gate at about 6:30 am. The pilot came over the intercom and said we had a mechanical problem but not to worry, he had some technitions headed out to take care of it.

I was traveling with the maintenance manager (we'll call him Tim) from the plant where I work. We were seated right in front of the wing and while we waited, we discussed what could be wrong with the plane and wondered if they'd put us on another plane or not. Tim looked out the window and said that the light was out on the very tip of the wing, maybe they had to fix it before we could fly. We figured it couldn't take too long to replace a bulb.

I looked at my watch and realized we could be in trouble. I told Tim "It's 6:45 now, if shift change is at 7, we won't see a maintenance guy til about 7:15." The guys getting off at 7 aint gonna come out in the snow 15 minutes before going home time and the guys that start at 7 will have to get coveralls and coffee and all that before they ever show up.

I was about right, at 7:20 Earl and his brother Earl showed up. They looked at the light and cocked their heads like a couple of dogs hearing a high pitched sound. I finally told Tim "Watch, one of them is fixing to beat on the light with something." Almost as if he heard me say it, Earl reached up and whacked the light 4 or 5 times with his fist. He hit it hard enough that we could feel the plane move. The light of course still didn't work so Earl and Earl went to the cockpit to talk to the pilot. After about 5 minutes discussion, they headed back to the light on the wing.

It's completely daylight now, so we can see really well what they're doing out there to repair the light. They were taking screws out from around the light fixture. This makes sense to the maintenance manager and a production supervisor that used to do maintenance work. Take the cover off, replace the bulb and we can leave. It's an airplane after all, everything has got to be right. Well, there's a butt-load of screws in the cover of a light on an airplane, it took'em forever to get it off. As they were working, I told Tim "Look at what they're using as a screw driver." He looked and said "My god, we'll be here until after lunch time. They got 300 screws to take off and put back and they're using a Leatherman pocket tool!"

Eventually the light was hanging by the wires and Earl and Earl could then get a good look at it. Now it's back to the cockpit to talk to the pilot (or more likely to warm up, it's about 10 degrees and snowing). They finally head back to the light, fiddle with it a while and start to put it back in place. By the time they get all them screws back in, it's 8:00 and no way we'll make all our connecting flights but at least we're headed out.

Oh yea, the light still don't work but it don't matter now, it's daylight so don't guess we need it anyhow.

nasgolf

I'm so sick of hearing about Tiger Woods that I could puke. I know the PGA is wanting him to return, he helps their popularity but I don't understand why. It's a bunch of dudes walking around with a stick hitting a little ball. I can understand some people enjoying playing golf but why do you want to watch it? It just aint to exciting for me anyway. Instead of focusing on the men in the PGA, put the WPGA on the TV and let'em play every other hole topless. The rating would go up and a 60 second commercial spot would cost more than during the superbowl.

I wouldn't pick on just one sport, Nascar racing is just a little more exciting but that's only during the last 3 laps or if they have a wreck. The rest of the time, they're just driving around in circles. Yea, they're driving pretty fast but it's still just circles. The Nascar officials are trying to make it more appealing by not making them use restrictor plates (letting the cars go faster) but it's still driving in circles, you know how to turn left pretty good and keep your foot on the accelerator you're a driver, all you got to find is a sponsor to buy you a million dollar car for you to drive. Make the track a figure 8 with a stop light at the intersection. Now that would make it more exciting. How about if half the drivers went counter clockwise and the other half clockwise? No need for 500 mile races, you do about 10 laps with 50 other cars and still got all the fenders attached to the car, you pretty much win the race. That's what everybody watches for anyway aint it? You want to see the crashes.

I was just thinking, why not solve the problems of both sports. Combine them. Call it NASGOLF. 18 holes and a pit area in one big circle. All them golfing fans could finally sit down and if a golfer got run over, well you already got the paramedics there on site. Drivers could drive a lap, then swap out and play a hole. Guess you'd have to make sure there weren't any trees on the course/track, Tiger would hit it pulling out of the pit.

stupid people

from another random day.......

that little hangy-down thing

I was just thinking about when my neice was little. She's married and 20 something now, holy crap, I'm getting old. When she was 4 or 5, I would pester her by telling her that she was a boy. I don't guess I did any permanent damage, she ended up mostly normal.

One day I decided to go a little further with it. I called her a boy and told her to hurry up getting ready, we were going somewhere. She said her usual "I'm not a little boy!" This time I asked her "How do you know you're not a little boy?" I figured a get a "just because" or "daddy says" or maybe something cute. She held her hand up with her index finger bent over and pointing at the floor. Then she wiggled her index finger and said "cause I don't have one of those little hangy-down things!"

I never did call her a little boy again. I don't have kids so that's one conversation that I aint got to have.

leftover chicken soup

More Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

prom night

Did you see this, I saw it on Headline news this morning:

(CNN) -- A Mississippi high school faces a lawsuit over its decision to cancel its prom rather than allow a lesbian high school student to attend with her girlfriend.
The lawsuit, filed by the American Civil Liberties Union, alleges that officials at Itawamba Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi, are violating the student's First Amendment right to freedom of expression


I was just thinking, look at the bright side, she wouldn't end up pregnant before she got out of high school.

anger management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”
“What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I'm home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you're a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”
“You'll what?” I said.
“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.
There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now I feel a lot better....
this has been floating around the internet for years

road rage part 4

I was just thinking about the other day when I was going to work. I was pulling up to a red light behind several other cars with several behind me and some guy was waiting to get out from a gas station on my right. The light was red so I figured "What the hell?" I could let the guy out and still make light when it changed and not really hold up anybody behind me. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't think of any reason not to let the dude out in front of me.

I pulled up short and stopped, leaving plenty of room for him to get out. He pulled out and went right down the road. This dip-weed didn't even acknowledge me. Not a small wave, not a nod, he didn't even glance in my direction. Come on, if somebody does you a favor, at least make eye contact, let them know you realize that they did you a favor. He was driving a dark green '99 Camry, I won't let him out again.

Keep in mind that if you're the dude behind the person I let out in front of me, that don't mean that I'm letting your stupid ass out too. I got places to go, if I let one car out, I've done my good deed for the week. I hate to tell ya, if you try to sneak out real quick, I'll run your ass over, don't push it.

If you're sitting over there waiting to get out and I don't look at you or even offer to leave a gap between me and the car in front, JUST WAIT FOR YOUR TURN. Don't try to bully your way in and keep nosing out like you're goning to get to go, just sit and wait.

Help put an end to road rage, get the hell outta the way!

beer and relationships

signs of spring

The robins are everywhere, it must mean spring is in the air.........





ahh,  somebody forgot to tell the robins that a sparrow hawk is also in the air.

Sparrow hawks don't waste much.

aliens

How come all the aliens in sci-fi movies speak english but the dude that works at the corner convenience store don't?

aaadd

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. — Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye — they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh — if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

copied from forwarded email

when i grow up

grandmaw gives bear the finger

If this hadn't happened in Illinois somewhere, I'd say she was a redneck.

A woman and her husband deciced to go the zoo and get drunk. I aint never though about trying that, I mean you can load up a cooler of beer and make a party out of most any trip, I just aint thought about being drunk at the zoo, might try it some time but this couple carried their 3 year old grand daughter. Now that aint right, I say if you're grandkids aint old enough to drink with ya, you should leave them at home. It just aint no fun to hang out with a bunch of drunk folks if you're stone-cold soder.

Grandmaw decided to feed the bears. You remember going to the zoo and feeding the bears? They'd sit up like a big dog and catch the peanuts. Usually had a fence and a mote you had to chunk across. Well grandmaw thinks she should hand-feed the bears. She sticks her hand in the cage with bears and gets 2 fingers bitten off. Yep, two fingers bitten clean off and the rest nibbled on a little bit. Grandpaw also got bit while trying to pry the bears mouth open to get his wife loose from the bear.

Can you imagine the story this kid has got when she gets to kindergarten? I thought it was cool when my grandparents carried us to Opryland.......

wal-mart do-over

If you aint figured it out yet, Wal-Mart is "remodeling" their stores. They call it a remodel but looks to me like a mess. I think they're doing like 1800 stores.

A Wal-Mart spokes person said "the remodel strategy is aimed at getting customers to shop in other areas of the store they may have previously ignored". I hate to tell them but I ignored those areas cause I didn't need anything from them. Yea, if they move it all around, I'll be shopping in other areas because I can't find shit! About the time you get the lay-out figured out, they move it around so you got to hunt what you want. I guess they figure that I'll see something that I didn't know I needed and buy it. Here's a thought; I already know what I need, make it easy for me to find. That would improve my shopping experience.

I got an idea how Wal-Mart could improve. They should develope an app for your cell phone, call it "Shopping at Wal-Mart". You'd open the application, look at a list of items, check the ones you want. Then schedule at time for pick-up, drive by one of those things that you swipe your debit card in, drive past a window where they'd throw all the crap in the back of your truck. Done and done, you're headed back home or somewhere besides wandering around in WallyWorld looking for your stuff.

Think about how much time you could save. It's a win-win idea, Wal-Mart could save money too. No shop lifting. They wouldn't need the old grumpy fart at the door or the rude woman at the check-out. I figure they could just toss your stuff in the bed of the truck, couldn't do any more damage to them then she does slamming them down in the bag.

The slogan is "Save Money. Live Better." I like Jeff Dunham's better "Get your shit and git out!"