My wife and I were in Sam's the other day. Some 5 year old was whinning about something, I don't know what, I just know she was to old to be doing all that whining. Her mother, evidently, was immune to the annoying ass sounds coming from the 3' tall mini-devil because she never acted like she heard it at all. We finally parted ways in the book section only to meet up again in the meat department. After the oblivious woman finally got out of my way so I could get to the ribs, I heard her tell the devil-child to stop running around and be still. The child never slowed up, never even acted like her mother said anything.
This child needed an ass-whipping. I don't mean a spat on the leg, I mean ass-whipping. I'm talking about the kind of whipping that would make you freeze in your tracks if your mother whispered "stop" at you. When we were little, my bother could have slammed my hand in the car door and if mother had of hissed HUSH between her teeth because she didn't want anyone to hear me crying, the snot would have literally stopped running out of my nose until I thought it was safe, she'd say hush and you would stand there quivering, not even letting the snot run.
Back to the devil-child, she's running around in circles, looking at the ceiling, her mother is looking through the hamburger meat, saying "stop, don't, quit it" with no authority what so ever. I grab my ribs and decide it's time to leave before I have to squash her little pea-head. Only obstacle is the kid, doing circles in the 8 foot wide ailse that is my escape route. Surely I can get by her so I head out. As I start, she heads directly for my buggy, still saring at the roof. I stop my buggy, they got cameras all over the place nowadays, catch me speeding up and hitting the kid and I could go to jail. Kid is still coming at me so I back up a bit, too late.
Just as she lowered her head to look at her suroundings, her forehead was about 3 inches from the corner of my buggy and she was moving way too fast to ever stop in time. I had time to pull the buggy back to lessen the impact a little (I did it before I could stop myself). Her forehead smacked the corner of my buggy (not hard enough to draw blood but maybe leave a mark). Her head snapped back and for just a moment, our eyes met, before the tears blurred her vision, I think she saw the beginnings of the grin on my face.
My wife and I new without speaking that it was time to make like a horse turd and hit the trail. We were both fixing to bust out laughing and that wouldn't look good, standing over some kid screaming like she'd been kicked when her mother came over. I heard her mother ask her what happened but she was crying to hard to understand what she said. Figure by the time her mother could understand what she was saying I'd be long gone and still laughing.
So maybe I'm evil and going to hell, least maybe there won't be no snot-nosed kids there (they probably go to hell too so I'm screwed).
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