for sale: house with waterfront view

I don't think I'd hire these cats to move a dog house....

toyota recall

Yea, Toyota has got a big old mess on their hands. I bet Mr. Toyoda is wishing he'd waited about 6 months before he took over. They got to fix it but I got a suggestion for everyone until then (or just something everybody should know).

If you're driving down the road in a car (any car) and the accelerator sticks, here's what you should do:

TURN IT OFF!!!

Just turn off the key, no, you won't have power steering or power brakes but you can steer/brake a little AND YOU'LL BE SLOWING DOWN. You can put it in neutral if you think of it but cut it off.

I heard a 911 call on the news today, the poor guy driving had the sense to call 911 and tell the operator that he was accelerating out of control but didn't know what else to do. Come on guy, what'd you call 911 for? To make sure there was an ambulance at the scene of the accident. Put a note on your dash if you think you'll have trouble remembering but just turn off the damn key....

plop, plop, fizz, fizz

I was just thinking about a story a guy I used to work with told me. His name was Joe Black (not that it matters to this story but just to give credit) and the story was about his in-laws. It goes like this:

Joe said his father-in-law had been feeling bad for several days, coming down with a cold or something. He was sitting around one evening, gripping about how bad he felt and his wife finally asked if she could get him some Alka-Seltzer. He said sure, not really thinking it would help but it couldn't hurt. He drank it when she brought it not giving much thought to the fact that it didn't look quiet right and then went to bed. That night he didn't get much sleep, now his stomach was bothering him on top of all the other aches and pains. The next morning his wife brough him another round of Alka-Seltzer, he noticed this one looked like the other one, the fizz didn't look quiet right but he took it any way.

A couple of hours later he was thinking that he was going to die. Stomach rolling, farting and burping, no relief from the other pains he'd been having. He told his wife "Bring me that box of Alka-Seltzer, it must be expired or something, it didn't fizz right and hasn't helped my feelings at all."

She plopped the box down in his lap, he looked it over, found the date, still had a couple of years before it expired. Then he noticed the front of the box, it said "For a brighter, more confident smile, use EFFERDENT"

crazy woman update

To the crazy woman that backed into me at the Shell station and acted stupid when it came time to pay:

KISS MY ASS!!!

I called your insurance and reported the accident. They sent me a check for more than I asked you for. (several dollars more than I'll spend to fix my truck) I hope your rates go up or they cancel your insurance.

ps   the next beer review I do is on you, LOL.

go buy some GM stock!

Let's see, after the government bail-out, I think I own a bunch of General Motors stock. They have come out with a few good cars, some from the 70s were really cool. I can't seem to focus on what they've done right, all I can think about is what they did wrong, especially after ever how many billions of dollars we got invested in them. Look at a few of the stupid things they've done in the past 20 or 30 years and I think we could have just flushed our money down the toilet.....

Back in high school, a buddy of mine had one, we called it a "shit-vette".

Chevette

Citation, followed the Chevette and looked like it came out of its butt. (key word: hatch-back or faux SUV???)

Take the cheapest car Chevy makes, put some chrome and leather seats on it and call it a Cadillac, yea, that works. (Cimarron)

Lumina APV. WTF?

The Pontiac Aztec: what the hell is it? I didn't know then and don't know now.

A GMC Envoy with a retactable roof. It was advertised as "professional grade". What profession are you in that you need a $30,000 station wagon that you can stand up in the back off?

An Uplander, Chevy's 502nd try at a minivan. They still goofed it up. A minivan aint pretty but could you make it any uglier?

Finally, the Malibu Maxx:Have you seen this on the road? Is there any one that says "Ohh, boy, I'll be looking sharp in that!"

I've come up with a couple of bad ideas but nobody ever gave me a few billion dollars to come up with a few more. I hope somebody else is driving now......

sex rehab

Have you heard this story yet:

Tiger Woods at sex addiction rehab clinic: reports
(AFP) – 5 hours ago

JACKSON, Mississippi — Tiger Woods is receiving treatment for sexual addiction at a sex rehabilitation clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi according to two television stations and an author on the topic.

Television stations WJTV and WLBT reported, citing unnamed sources, that Woods was at the Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services center, where security is tight and dark tarps have been placed upon wire fences.

Benoit Denizet-Lewis, who wrote a book on sex addiction, wrote in a blog entry that Woods was receiving treatment at the sex-rehab facility, where he spent time while working on the book regarding sexually compulsive behavoir.

Clinic officials have refused to confirm Woods is there to the television stations. ESPN also reported officials would not confirm Woods is a patient.

Woods has admitted infidelity to wife Elin and more than a dozen women have claimed to have had affairs with the world's top golfer, a scandal touched off when Woods drove his vehicle into a hydrant and a tree nearly two months ago.

Woods, who became a punch line for comedians in December, has said he is taking an indefinite leave from golf to sort out his personal life, giving no hint as to when he might return. (google news)


I don't know what's funnier, that Tiger is being treated for sexual addiction or that he's in Mississippi to be treated for sexual addiction. I got a feeling that if he was being treated somewhere, it wouldn't be in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I'm glad to know Mississippi has the best something anyway, even if it is a sex-rehab facility.

investment opportunity

Did you hear? Nestle is stopping production of it's cookie dough for a couple of weeks while they swap over to a different kind of flour. This flour is heat treated so it's less likely to have E. coli in it. (probably tastes like crap) Anyhow, there'll be a shortage for a couple of weeks during the swap-over.

Let's see, oil production falls off, gas goes up that minute. I figure Wal-Mart should start marking up cookie dough any day now. I suggest buying Nestle stock or just going to Wal-Mart and buying cooking dough, the price should go though the roof any minute now.

mac snack wrap?

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a flat bread.

What the hell? I've had a snack wrap, they're alright. Not much to'em but pretty good. I've had a bunch of Big Macs, let's face it, it aint the best hamburger (questionable if you'd call it a hamburger at all) but it's a Big Mac. Pretty much always been the same. Is this suppose to be better for you? If I'm eating in MacDonald's, my health aint at the top of the list. Is this suppose to remind you of a Big Mac? Looks like about all it could do. If I want to be reminded of a Big Mac, I'll order a Big Mac; that is if I could get one in a reasonable amount of time.

You remember when you went into Mac Donald's and all the burgers were in a rack behind the counter with a heat lamp on them? If you wanted fast food, you ordered something you saw up there and it tasted better than it does now. Watch the next time you order, some dude is fishing around in some little plastic drawer back there with plastic tongs. They act like they're making it fresh but all they're doing is putting it together. I want to know how it gets in them little drawers and what they do to it first. Back then they didn't try to make no chicken either, they left that to the Colonel.

How about this? If Ronald MacDonald wants to improve the Big Mac, make one that all that damn shredded lettuce don't fall off of.......    The next time I want a Big Mac, I'll skip a snack and just order a Big Mac.

$1.75 trillion (continued)

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of its releases.

A.A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D.A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ..
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is presently asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS
To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
What does it mean?
A..Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman, and child)
You each get $516,528.
B.Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.Or... If you are a family of four...
Your family gets $2,066,012.


Washington , D. C
HELLO!

This is directly from a forwarded email, thanks, Paul.

I haven't checked any numbers, just copied it like it was sent.

road rage part #3

Some crazy woman in a Chevy Tahoe backed into me in the gas station parking lot. She said she just couldn't see a thing outta the back of that Tahoe. If she'd get off that damn cell phone and pay attention to what she's doing, she might know what's behind her. What the hell is she doing in a Tahoe anyway if she can't see out the back? Good grief, stupid-ass shouldn't have a driver's license........ but wait, she don't have one.

Let's see;
Number one: she aint got no license.
Number two: she can't see out the back of her SUV.
Number three: she's talking on the phone while operating a vehicle.
Number four: evidently she's an idiot (need proof, look at 1,2 & 3).

She assured me that she would pay for it but after the estimate she seems to be trying to back out. Said she wants me to get my truck fixed, then she'll pay the bill at the repair shop. Yea right, I really think that's gonna happen. I bet I'll get another blog or two out of this before it's over.

Who's got the problem here, her cause she's stupid or me with the road rage?

I guess the answer is me, I'm the one with the big-ass dent in my truck.

potted meat/beer diet plan

I was just thinking that everybody has a diet plan. There's an Atkin's Diet, Dr.s Weight Loss, The Southbeach Diet and Weight Watchers just to name a few. I think Dr. Oz has one, hell, Oprah even had a woman on her show that said to lose weight, she had sex with her husband several times a day (as she told about it, her husband just sat beside her grinning his ass off). I figure if they can, I can. I could even guarantee that you'd lose weight or give you your money back. Here's the plan:

Breakfast: bowl of Cherrios (part of a heart-healthy diet, says so right on the box)

Lunch: one can potted meat and about 8 saltine crackers with an apple (fruit, got to have some fruit)

Afternoon snack: six pack of any beer you like, just make sure it's light.

Dinner: potted meat sandwitch (one can potted meat and 2 slices of bread), what the hell, have 2 sandwitches, you need your protein.

After dinner: this is the best part, all the beer you want. Anytime you feel a little hungry, grab a beer.

I aint sayin you'll lose fat, it might be muscle or maybe just brain cells but you'll lose weight. If you need a chocolate fix, sub a can of Slimfast for one of those sandwitches. This diet is fairly flexable but if you don't lose weight, it's your fault not mine.

Here's before and after pictures (results not typical).

I don't know this woman or even if it's the same woman in both pictures, I just said that it's before and after.

Disclaimer: it's just as likely you end up like this;

But hey, you'd be losing weight, it's hard to eat good if you're homeless. About 99% of them diet plans make about as much sense as mine, go figure......

brrrrrrr

I bet there aint a gallon of milk or loaf of bread left on the store shelves. What is it about snow that makes everybody eat a bunch of loaf bread and drink milk? Everybody freaks out over a little snow.

Be sure to watch out for that dumb ass doing 3 mph!

a   b   c   d   brrrr   e   f   g   brrrr ..............

airport security

How do you let a guy named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab get on a plane in Amsterdam with a bomb on his person ("on his person" is what they said but don't it sound stupid)? I mean he gets on with 2 chemicals and rides for 8 and a half hours, mixes it up in the bathroom but is such a dumbass that he catches himself on fire instead of causing an explosion.

I don't know which is worse, that or the TSA screeners in California that found a suspicious-looking liquid in a passenger's luggage. It supposedly tested positive for the explosives TNT and TATP (whatever that means) and the vapors made the screeners nauseous. So nauseous that they had to be taken to the hospital. Closed the airport and kept the guy for questioning for like 16 hours, the suspicious-looking liquid was honey, yep, honey. The dude was a gardener and was bringing it back home for some family members.

Let's see: dude GETS on a plane with 2 chemicals that are explosive but honey closes  down an airport and sends TSA screeners to the hospital. WTF??? It's harder to buy Sudafed in Wal-Mart that to get on a plane with something you aint suppose too. Who's running that show anyway? I think they are public employees, I'm the public so I say fire their ass. I bet somebody drawing unemployment could do better than that.

circuit city

You ever wonder why Circuit City went under? I got an idea. It was because they sucked. I mean really sucked. As far as knowing anything about customers, they don't (didn't, I should say) know squat.

I was in a Circuit City about a year or more before they announced that they were going out of business, looking for some computer software. I found it without anyone harassing me, all I needed to do was pay for it and head home.

Should be a simple thing, somebody is always worring the crap outta ya in there, all they got to do is take my money, damn software even has a price tag on it, no problems right. Not a chance. There's a big row of cash registers near the door but as I got closer I saw no one at any of them, figured as soon as I stood at one a minute, some one would offer to take my money.

I stood at the register for what seemed like a long time, looking all around the store, waving the box over my head, nobody noticed. I didn't even see anyone that worked in the store, minutes before they were everywhere. I happened to glance toward the door and noticed the detectors on each side of the door, you know, about 4 feet tall, white and same as they have at Wal-Mart. They detect the embedded RFID anti-theft chip that's in most high-dollar stuff and sound the alarm if you try go through them with a chip that has not been deactivated. I figured if I stuck the software in the detectors, the alarm would sound and some one would come and take my money so I could freaking leave. I walked over to the door and stuck it up to the detector, a siren went off (very loud) and a light started flashing. Kinda freaked me out to start with, I thought "Holy crap, might'a called the cops automatically!" I thought I had started more than I meant too.

I quickly pulled the box back away from the detector and the alarm stopped. Cool, now some one will be here any minute, I can check-out and go home. Hell, the manager will probably come up here and when he does, I tell them that I'll go to Best Buy next time, maybe I'll even get a discount. I stood there but nobody came running, nobody said stop, the girl at the service desk at the very back of the store (I could barely see her now) didn't even look up. What else could I do? I made the alarm go off again and again and again and again.

Nobody ever came to see why the alarm was going off, no one ever came to the register. You want to know why they went out of business? Because they suck, they didn't know anything about customer service and evidently you could steal anything you wanted out of the store. They got what suits'em.

george w.

enough said.....

(http://img.timeinc.net/time/cartoons/20090123/cartoons_04.jpg )

redneck beer review #2

Bud Light Lime

I've always wondered why some one would put a line in their beer. Well, I'm still wondering. This crap is nasty. I've had a Corona or two before, they're alright. Never did add a lime to it, at least with the Corona you have the option on the lime, with Bud Light Lime, you can't take it out.

This beer actually tastes like it's got something green in it. Fruit and beer just don't go together. Nearest thing I can come up with is if you squeezed a big old lemon in your chocolate milk. YUCK! If you like lime in your beer, more power to ya, it'll leave more of the good beer for me. When I did some looking to figure out why lime was added to beer in the first place, this is what I came up with: Some people state that a wedge of lime was put on bottled beer to disinfect the rim or to keep flies from landing on it. Makes me want to add a little lime.



What I liked about it:
1. I didn't buy it, I bummed it off somebody else.
2. It was cold.

What I didn't like:
Taste like dammit. Let's leave the limes for Margaritas!

Redneck Rank: Last beer in the cooler.