something else to worry about

I was just thinking that two blogs in one day maybe too many but this is important and I got to work a lot this week so I may not have a chance to get around to it later so here goes.

We've banned all types of pestisides, outlawed all kinds of drugs, done away with lead paint and all kinds of other stuff to make our world a better place but today I came across a chemical that seems to have slipped through the cracks. Dihydrogen monoxide, how could we have missed it with all the problems it causes? I mean just look at some of the effects:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
What the hell are we doing? We should get together and solve some of these real problems. I'm not a big activist or anything so I could use some help, please leave some comments on how we should get started or what you think should be done, thanks, Bob

cosmopolitan

I was just thinking as I was standing in line at Wal-Mart, looking at the cover of a Cosmopolitan magazine, "I wonder what they mean by 'HIS #1 SEX WISH'?" I couldn't bring myself to actually pick up the magazine and look, I wouldn't want to be the dumb ass standing there reading a magazine and holding up the line. What would the teenage girl behind the register think if she saw me reading a Cosmo mag? (and why do I care what she thinks?) I just couldn't make myself look and see what my #1 wish was. 71% of guys crave it, must be good, I should'a looked.

Out in the parking lot, as I was loading groceries in the truck, it hit me. They're really misinforming women if they're telling them that there is one certain thing men crave. I hate to tell you girls but if you say you're going to do the laundry without a bra, we're thinking "Jackpot, must be my lucky day." We don't care, we just like sex, no if's, and's or but's. Our #1 sex wish is whatever it takes to make you want to have sex more. Any guy that tells you anything different is just trying to tell you something to get you to have sex more. It's worth repeating, our #1 sex wish is more sex. The magazine should quit playing games and just say "Tell your husband/boyfriend what he should do to have more sex." Everybody would be happier, you'd get what you want and we'd get more sex. Hell, the world would be a better place.

71% of men crave it, tell me something I don't know. The other 29% can't remember were they left their Viagra. Gimme a break. Another tag line on the cover is "Colors that make a man's heart race", is naked a color?

warp speed for dummies

I was just thinking that I might need to smart-up my blog a little bit, you know, make it more intellectual. I wondered how many folks really understand how fast warp speed is? I mean everyone has seen an episode or two (at least) of Star Trek, even if you don't watch it regularly, where Captain Picard said "Engage" after Riker gave a command of warp 7 or something. I watched the original Star Trek (reruns) and all the series that came after but it wasn't until I started watching "Voyager" that I realized that I didn't understand warp speed at all. I'll try to explain it to where anyone can understand. I'm not going into the "warp drive, warp nacells and dilithium crystals", warp speed is all you really need to understand. I won't debate if it's actually possible or not, I'll leave that to Steven Hawking or Carl Sagan, it's above my head. If you don't give a rat's ass, don't read it.

First thing you need to understand is that if you think warp speed is fast, you're wrong. It doesn't have anything to do with speed, it's actually more like shortening the distance between the places you want to go. To make it simple, take a piece of paper and draw a dot on each side like so: the paper is "space/time" (distance if space/time confused the hell outta ya), the dots are where you are and where you're going and the line (you'll draw next) is the path of travel.




Draw a line slowly connecting the two dots. We'll consider this to be normal speed (anything less than the speed of light). If you could draw the line so fast that you could not see your hand move across the paper, that would be the speed of light. So far we're still talking about SPEED, Albert Eienstien said that nothing could travel faster than the speed of light so we got to get around that to get from one planet to another before Captain Kirk is an old man.

Now, take the paper and tear it into, something like this:

Now take one piece and move it closer to the other one, overlap the paper. Move the dots closer together, this means the line between the dots is shorter. If you drew the line again at the same speed you did the first time, you'd get from one dot to the other quicker, right? We'll say this is Warp 1, just to keep it simple. That's the trick, warp speed actually warps "space/time" to make the points closer together. I aint saying that it can be done, just explaining.

Move the dots closer and closer, you get Warp 2, Warp 3 and so on. When you get to Warp 9, they are very close. I folded the paper to be able to see the dots as I moved them closer.

If you continue to move them closer and closer, you'll get to Warp 9.999999999999999999999999999999 (buttload of 9s) right before the dots touch. In theory, Warp 10 would be when the dots touch, then you'd have to be in two places at the same time. Even Steven, Carl and Albert say that is impossible. FYI, they did go Warp 10 once in Star Trek Voyager, but it messed them up pretty good.

If you watch a lot of Star Trek, you may remember Warp 13 or 14 from a couple of early episodes but this is the way it's generally explained now. It's a TV show, they goofed a time or two. There's also Transwarp, Hyperwarp and Transwarp Conduit (Borg), I'll leave them for another blog. I also like to stick with the facts of Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica uses a FTL (faster than light) Jump Drive that is pretty cool but I aint going there. If you know what to T stands for in James T. Kirk, you might have found this slightly interesting, if not, all I can say is "Live long and prosper".

who says i can't get stoned?

I was just thinking as I was driving home last night about my next blog. The radio was on and the AT-40 (top 40) was going. They started to play a newer song by John Mayer that I had heard a couple of times, fair song, I'm not a big John Mayer fan but it's all right. It started out "Who says I can't get ______?", what happened, did my ears blink? I listened again and the same thing, "Who says I can't get ______?". They had taken out the word "stoned" through the whole song. What the hell is up with that? They think some one would be offended? They have the show with that Nudge guy on every night, if he aint offensive, I don't know what is. They think just because some one heard the song, they'd go out and get stoned? If I was going to (I'm not, by the way), I'd listen to some CCR or something like that, not John Mayer, that's for sure. Are parents worried that if they're kids here stuff like that, they'll do it? I hate to tell you, but if your kids will do whatever some one on the radio sings about, you got bigger problems. Should'a whipped them more if that's all it takes to get out of line.

Good grief, I mean the first time I heard the Dixie Chics "Goodbye Earl" I went out and killed somebody. And what about Garth Brooks, I been waiting to catch by wife cheating just so I could drive a truck through the house like he said in "Poppa Loves Mamma". What about the old (not that old) song by Eric Clapton, first time I heard "Cocaine" I went out and "did a couple of lines" (if that's what you call it). Peter, Paul & Mary's "Puff the Magic Dragon" would really had me screwed up if I thought the radio was more than just something to listen to.

Everybody needs to get real and get over it. I mean if I could grow up in the 70s listening to Disco and not be any more messed up that I am, everyone else should chill the hell out.

found me a new camper

What do you think? Now I just have to find a VW Beetle.

nitrogen

I was just thinking about nitrogen. They put it in tires, suppose to improve gas mileage, if normal air is already 80% nitrogen, what's the point? If the atmosphere is 80% nitrogen, how can Dick Rice say there is 90% humidity? Laughing gas is nitrogen, looks like we'd be laughing most of the time. If you look it up on the internet, it says when you crack your knuckles, it's nitrogen bubbles popping, I aint sure I buy that. Some web sites advertise that you can improve your MPG on your car by 2 miles per gallon just by replacing the air with nitrogen, yea right. If that were the case, all the manufacturers would put it in the tires straight off the assembly line to help meet their EPA numbers. I think I'll set up a shop and start putting Helium in tires, make the car lighter, that would improve gas mileage, then we can take all that nitrogen and get a good laugh.

getting old

I was just thinking about getting old and thought I'd pass along some of the things I've figured out and a few that I haven't. I'm midway through the 40's, so I figure there's a lot more to learn and if anyone thinks I'm making fun of them, get over it. I'll be there someday, only worse, more than likely.

First thing is farts (I've already discussed pooping so why not farts first). I don't know about everyone but seems like when I was younger, I'd be, for example, in church and the urge would hit. You could sit there and hold it or you could ease it out and nobody would know for sure where it came from unless you giggled. You could be in the car with a bunch of your buddies and let one rip so loud you couldn't here the 8-track you had playing. Something happens at about 40, aint no holdin'em in. And aint no use trying to be quiet either, whatever it is, that's what it is. Now I'm afraid if I tried too hard to hold it in, I'd poop my pants. I can handle everybody laughing at a little poot but if I poop myself.....

Another thing I've noticed is my arms are somehow getting shorter. When I go to read the paper, I can't hold it far enough away to see it. Can't figure that one out, my shirt sleeves still seem to fit.

At one time, I could just up and ride a bike 10 miles, maybe more, and never think a thing about it. Somewhere around 30, if I'd done that, I would think "Man, I'll be sore tomorrow". And of course I would be. Now I can sit in a recliner all day long and watch TV, get up the next day barely able to walk and think "What the hell did I do yesterday?"

Everyone knows about hair falling out and growing back in strange places. I think by the time I'm 80 or so, I'll look like a bald monkey.

I'm already bad about opening my mouth and saying too much. At some point as you get older, the filter between your brain and your mouth quits working. Boy, there's gonna be some folks pissed at me, I can't wait for that to kick in.

What's the deal with worrying about trees falling on your house, I've done been told that I planted some too close to my house. I just said that it would give me something to worry about when I get old.

I've already started to stock up on lawn mower blades so when I feel the need to sharpen them before and after I cut the grass, I'll be ready. Right now I do good to sharpen it once a year.

You kinda notice that it seems like most older people shrink a little bit. I'm starting to understand why, every year the doctor wants to take something else off. I'm begining to think that I won't have to worry about weight gain in a few years. (add that to the picture of the old bald monkey)

At what point will I start to go to bed at dark and get up at daylight? That aint even started to kick in yet.

I can't remember if there was something else I wanted to add to this blog or not. Oh well, it'll come to me later.
Randy, you should be proud of me, I didn't ask you for any advice at all on this blog.

lactose tolerant

I was just thinking about milk. Who was the first person to say "I'm gonna catch that cow over there, squeeze that thing hanging down and what ever comes out, I'm gonna drink it." It had to have been on a dare, if it hadn't been done before, how thirsty you gotta be to come up with that? Maybe it was a goat, smaller and easier to catch but you ever smell a goat?

How about Honey? "Hey Bubba, you know them bugs that sting the hell out of you? I'll give you a dollar if you eat that sticky stuff they puke up." And I guess Bubba says "OK, got a bisquit?"

What about Sorghum/Molasses? Bubba liked the honey, didn't want to get stung so he says "If we cook this tall grass all day, I bet it would be good."

Here's one, snails (escargot). I've eaten them before, pretty good but I couldn't imagine being the first. How hungry was that guy?

How bout raw oysters? I think Bubba and Earl were out looking for pearls one day and Earl said "Hey Bubba, you ate them snails the other day, why not try one of these?" Bubba says "OK, got any crackers?"

I could see eating some squid if you were stuck on a boat for months, I could see that happening. I've said before, if I was on "Survivor", I'd be the first on to try a rat or a bug. If I got that hungry, I'd try lots of stuff.

Then there's the chicken egg. It came out of a chicken's ass (need I say more). While we're on chickens, how about rooster fries, you rather have what came out of her ass or his nuts? Don't mean to ruin eggs for nobody, just wondering. I bet after the first egg was eaten, it took a while for "sunny side up" to catch on.

I'll eat potted meat but don't want no turnip greens. Aint no telling what I ate in that potted meat but you can have my greens.

Just wondering about milk. Wish somebody had written that story down. Maybe they did, or this could be the second story about the dude that wanted a glass of milk but didn't know the difference in a cow and a bull.

ever heard of being polite?

I was just thinking that I didn't want this blog to be political but this is just being polite. When I got up this morning, all the news was about Pres. Obama bowing to the Japanese Emperor. So??? What's the big deal?

I'm not pro-Obama (or anti-Obama for that matter, I do think he's been given more credit than he has earned, FYI) so this is not meant as an endorsment. I just mean "Crap, he's in Japan for cryin out loud!!!" What's he suppose to do, give him the finger, turn his nose up at him. You go to somebodies house and you be polite. Don't matter if you like them or not you be polite. I will add, there is a point where you stop being polite but this aint it. He should expect the same, hell, everyone should, you treat people as you expect to be treated. It's not like he was bowing to worship the dude. You don't have to agree or believe some one is right to be polite, you'll get a lot more if you act reasonable.

Here's an example of when it's time to stop being polite: When George W. got the shoe thrown at him in Iraq, he should have gotten a shoe thrown at him if for no other reason than picking Dick Cheney as his Vice President, just my opinion.

All them "news" people need to go find some news to report, see if Brittney Spears is wearing panties today, how about that. And everybody watching the news needs to find something better to do or change to channel to "Deal or No Deal" or "Andy Griffith", you could learn something from Andy and Barney.

need a caption for this picture---

I need a caption for this picture. Please post them in the comments. Anything and everything welcome.
Example: "This is what I call a huddle!"

john and kate plus 8

I was just thinking that this would be a short post because it aint worth my time.

"John & Kate plus 8", I don't get it? Who really gives a rat's ass? Only thing the slightest bit interesting about these folks is that they were too stupid to figure out birth control. I mean why do you want to watch 2 morons and 8 snot-nosed, whinney kids on TV. I'd rather watch "The Brady Bunch" and that used to be one of my least favorite shows. And look at them now, more coverage because they're getting a divorce. Who gives a flying fart?

I got an idea for a show. Tell John and Kate "Nope, no divorce. Too many kids. Your not allowed after 3 or 4." That'd be a show, John moving all his crap back in with Kate raising hell, I might watch that. That's enough wasted time, I'm gonna go watch "Dirty Jobs" or "Dangerous Catch", anything but "John & Kate"...

Wait, I got a better idea, put'em on "Survivor" and see how long they last!

sick little boy

Aint had much time to add anything to the blog this week, Sam is very sick. Some people may not understand and think "it's just a dog, what's the big deal?" Maybe this will help explain:

calvin and hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes is classic. This has been doctored by some one on the internet.

english sux

I was just thinking that everytime I look back at my blogs I find a word I misspelled or some grammer I messed up. I don't want to look like I don't have good sense so I thought I would share my veiws on the subject. Personally, I don't think it's right and some one should do something about it, so here goes:

First, let's talk about a rule that teachers tried to teach me for 12 plus years:
"i before e except after c, most of the time"
Who came up with that? I'd like to kick their ass. That's not a rule, just something to confuse me. It would be like the NFL saying that from now on, the home team will have the ball for all the even numbered quarters (the whole quarter) and the away team for the odd numbers except during the play offs and maybe when it's raining. "i before e" makes my head hurt. What's the point, decide one or the other and be done with it.

There's lots of others but instead of figuring out all that's wrong with it, let's try to fix it. I'll give an example of how I think it should be done and explain. I'm not a teacher so give me a brake, I'll do the best I can. You'll see that my rules are very similar to texting so maybe they'll catch on.

   Example: "I am going to poke you in the right eye with a squirrel." (I know it don't make sense but WTF)
1. "I" that first word says it all. You got your moneys worth with it. That's the way all my rules would work.
2. "am going to" if your gonna do that, I bet you don't say it that way. You'd say "I'm gonna poke you in the eye!". So there, we took "am going to" and shortened it to "'m gonna", maybe even leave out a N but looks better with two of them and these are my rules. Why can't "gonna" be a word? There are lots stranger words than that. Again, my rules.
3. "poke" not much wrong here. You could leave the E off the end and just have a dash above the "O" to show that it's a long "O" but then everybody would need a new keyboard. That would be what the government would do and send everyone a voucher to pay for it. They waste enough of my money so what the hell, we'll have a silent "E".
4. "you" now this just pees me off. If I'm talking about me, I say "I", if I'm talking about you, shouldn't it be "U". U c with my rules, keep it simple. It's too easy.
5. "in the" nothing wrong here, leave well enough alone, but "in" should be just "n", what's that hurt.
6. "right" all I can figure here is that 1000 years ago, the dude that worked out spelling just loved "gh" and had to stick them in where ever he could cause they aint good for nothing here. It should be "rite", refer to #3.
6. "eye" now we're close to "e before i, except". In what world would "eye" be pronounced the same as "i"? Go back and look at the sentence "I am going to poke you in the eye", if it were "i am going to poke you in the i" you'd still know exactly what I meant and if you didn't, you'd figure it out when your right eye started to hurt.
7. "with a" this is OK, we could leave off the "a" because I didn't say "squirrels" so you know it's only one. I will admit that if you said "I am going to poke you in the eye with squirrel" you would sound a little retarded, so lets leave it in and add to this rule that you write it like it should be said.
8. "squirrel" I only used this word because I misspelled it in another blog but it's a good example. Compare it to the word "skunk" because skunk needs nothing changed. They both sound like "sk" at the beginning so the first 2 letters should be "sk". The next sound is "wa" so then you have "skw", you don't need the "a" so don't use it. You could have a vowel next, I'm open to debate on that. To make it simple, compare the last part of squirrel to "girl", that leaves you with an easy to spell and pronounce word "skwirl". Looks funny but I could spell that. Only thing, you might say it needs a "u" instead of an "i" but since I used girl as the example, keep it all the same. Plus if you did spell it with a "u", who gives a rats two-two, you'd still know it was a tree-rat wether (aint gonna start on wether) it was spelled skwirl or skwurl. (I think I like skwurl better so since it's my rules "girl" would be "gurl".)
   OK, we went from "I am going to poke you in the right eye with a squirrel" to "I'm gonna poke u n the rite i with a skwurl". Anybody that can't read that and understand what it means? Saves time and makes sense.

   Another example: Bob Russell
1. "Bob" my personal opinion but I like that. No other way to spell it except backwards and it still works. No rules even needed.
2. "Russell" why the hell are there so many letters used twice. You got a "s" and a "l" that aint doing nothing. Leave them out if they're not pulling their weight. If you get right down to it, you don't need the "e" either. It should be "Rusl", that's all you need. I wonder how much of my lifetime will be wasted writting those extra letters. I might could have used that time to discover a cure for cancer or at least drink another beer, either way it would have been more productive than writing "S"es and "L"s.

   Last example: numbers
There should never be any reason to spell out a number. 2 should be 2, not two. By spelling it out, you got to have more rules. Keep it simple. If you go to write out the number 8 or eight, you just confuse everything, (them dam "gh"s again) let 8 be 8. While we're on 2, there are 3 different ways to do it, two too & to, just put a 2 in and be done. Let the reader figure out what you mean, be more interesting that way. "I'm going 2 the store." doesn't read like your going to 2 different stores. Works with the 8s also, "I 8 lunch", you didn't have to write "ate", saved 2 letters.

OK, I've wasted enough time on something that just aint right. We should fix it. Might have been somebody like me that made up the rules we have now to simplify his life but if it was, I'd hate to see what he started with. From now on, I'm not going to worry about my spelling and grammer in my blogs. I'll try to do it right unless everyone wants to change the rules but I aint gonna wory bout it.

skin falling off???

   The other day I was walking through one of the control rooms at work and the guys were listening to the radio. I sat down for a minute and what they were discussing on the radio caught my attention. It was one of those radio programs where you call in and ask the DJ questions and he answers them on the air.
   This show, they called in and asked medical questions. No doctor or expert or anything like that, just the DJ. You can guess my first thought, "Who's gonna call a DJ to ask a question like that?". Evidently lots of people do and we were sitting there listening to it, I think that would be another blog though. Anyhow, this guy calls in and asked a question, after hearing it, I had to asked the other guys if he said what I thought he said. Here's what the caller said, I don't know if it's word for word but it'll be close:
   "I was in the shower the other day and as I was washing my penis, I noticed some skin falling off of it."
   Yep, that's what he said, just as calm as he could be. I'll admit, he didn't say a little skin or all of it, just some, but still. There are a couple of things about that statement that I just don't get. First, he said "the other day", what the heck dude, skins falling off your penis and you wait a few days to ask some one about it. Shoot, even if I didn't think it was too bad, I'd google it or something before waiting a few days. Second, why the hell are you calling a DJ to find out about it. Go to the dam doctor and now. I could see maybe (big maybe) if I had a little skin falling off my arm, I might say "Aw, I'll see some one tomorrow." but off my penis, we're going the emergency room and I mean now, flashing light and all.
   I would have expected the DJ to tell him to hang up the phone and like I said, go to the doctor, but no. He starts asking the guy questions about it and if he thinks he may have a STD. Sounds like after the guys pecker falls plum off he might have a lawsuit against the radio station but I guess he couldn't be that bright.
   I just don't get it. I hope he doesn't have some important job, like at the nuclear power plant or something. They say it takes all kinds, but I don't see what some are good for.

pooping

I was just thinking as I scanned the channels on the TV, I happened across a show that I hadn't seen before. It was "Dr. Oz", you know, one of those afternoon doctor shows kinda like "Dr. Phil" only this one was more medical in nature. The reason it caught my attention was because Dr. Oz was talking to a bunch of women about pooping.

I aint no doctor but from what I've heard, that's something more women should talk about. When I think about being "regular", that means at least once a day, sometimes two or three. I couldn't imagine only going once or twice a week, if I don't poop by lunch time, hell, I consider that to be constipation. I may be wrong but I think lots of women consider every two or three days to be regular.

Anyway, back to Dr. Oz. He was telling them that they should go daily (makes sense), it should float (fiber) and that it should be in the shape of a G (???). I didn't get that one and I look at my poop, I mean I thought everyone did.

sidenote: don't you hate those auto flush toilets that flush before you get a peek.

It's not that I want to see anyone else's poop but if it came outta me, I figure I should have a look. Anyhow, I aint never seen nothing that looked like a G. Since then I been trying but no G. Now the other day after dinner at the mexican resturant and a couple of beers, I think I spelled out the word google, but I couldn't look at that one too long, if you know what I mean. I've heard of people that could burp the alphabet but no pooping a G. (maybe it was a lowercase g ???)

I hope all those girls got something out of what he said, I mean if I was constipated a couple of weeks out of the month and on my period for four or five days, that would make me ill most of the time. I should have called in to the show, all you got to do to be regular is drink two or three beers a day, might even help with some of that weight women are always worried about.

While we're on the subject, don't you hate handicapped toilets. Nothing against anyone who needs them and if your taller than me you may not understand. I go into the restroom, only stall left is the handycap stall, sit down to take care of business and my dam feet don't reach the floor. It's hard to poop with your feet dangling in the air, nothing to push against I guess.

Several years ago, while at my brother-in-laws house, I went into the bathroom and noticed a large stack of books by the toilet. I had to ask him later "Why you got all those books in there?". He said that he likes to read until he gets in the "mood". I couldn't help myself, I had to ask "If your not in the mood, what the hell did you go in there for?". I mean holy crap, it's a lot more comfortable to sit in a recliner and read than on the toilet. I don't crap in my recliner, why would I want to read in the toilet. He is also the one that went out squirrle (this spelling prompted "english sux") hunting one cold morning and came back several hours later freezing without his coveralls. He wouldn't tell for a long time but he finally admitted that he had had to go to the bathroom and in his haste to get to it, he had thrown back his coveralls and didn't realize where the upper half had landed. He pooped in them and left them buried in the woods.

Something else I've learned recently, I jammed a finger on my right hand. I always figured you could get by using your left hand if something happened to your right. I never considered wiping your butt. I would say it's about like trying to pick your nose with your toe. You might as well staple the toilet paper to a post and just rub up against it, it just aint right.

Well, the first post to my blog was about pooping, you might say I got the s*** out of the way first. If you think it was too much information, you shouldn't have read it, I mean after all, the title was "pooping". I'll end with a quote from "Two and a Half Men", Jake is sitting at the table eating corn-on-the-cob, he smiles and says "Corn, it's like little bookmarks in your poop." If you didn't look at your buisiness before you read this, bet you do now. Might even try to make a G out of it.